So welcome to another episode of the Unhooked Podcast. On today's episode, I'm going to be talking about a few things that I wish I knew at the beginning of my porn recovery journey. So, stay tuned.
So welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of the Unhooked Podcast. This time, it is the Bali edition. I've just landed here in Indonesia, where I'll be for the next few months. So, you might notice that the audio recording quality might be a little lower. Um, you know, I don't have my home set up that I have back in Amsterdam, so I hope it's good enough, and...
I'm still committed to coming on here and dropping some insights on this topic of porn addiction, compulsive habits, all of the good stuff that we talk about on the Unhooked podcast. And today I wanted to talk about this topic of, you know, what is it that I wish I knew at the beginning of my porn recovery journey?
So, you know, going back to when I was 23, 24, around that age, what are the, some of the things that I think would have been helpful for me to, to know at the beginning that would have made my recovery easier, would have, uh, improved my mental health and wellbeing, just all the things that can be helpful along the way.
So probably the first and most important thing that I wish I knew at the beginning is that I wasn't alone, you know, and this is something that when I work with my clients time and time again the most healing thing is just realizing that you're not alone in this struggle that you're not the only one struggling with porn addiction or compulsive behaviors or bad habits and just that feeling of of compassion that comes naturally when you realize You're not the only one who struggles with this.
It's so healing to know that. It's so, um, relieving. It's like, you know, getting a weight lifted off your shoulders when you know that other people struggle with it, that you're not the only one, that you're not broken. So that is one of the things that I wish I knew at the beginning, that I'm not the only one, and also that there's...
You know, that watching porn doesn't make you a bad person. Because that's something that happens so often when people are struggling with an addictive relationship with it, or a compulsive relationship with it, is there's this feeling of shame, or feeling of brokenness. Uh, it can come in many forms, but often it's this feeling of I'm unlovable, I'm unworthy.
If people knew the truth about me, they would cast me out or call me a pervert or whatever it is. So there's so much shame around this topic and because it doesn't get discussed, because porn for some reason is this thing that nobody talks about despite it being so prevalent. There is this added shame of really thinking you're alone and you're the only person who struggles with it or has an unhealthy relationship to it.
So that's really the first thing that I wish, again, I wish I knew. Um, I remember that from the time that I really broke free from porn to the time that I could actually tell another person about it took me about six years. And that was even after I had broken free from my addiction and had stopped watching it for that time.
And very slowly, I started being able to open up about it, to talk to other people, to talk to other men, to talk to a therapist about it, um, because there was so much shame associated with it. And now, obviously, you know, I'm on this podcast, I, I go on, on stages, I go on other people's podcasts, I go on social media, and I talk about my own porn addiction.
And it's... It's almost night and day how, you know, I used to feel about talking about porn and unwanted porn use, and how I feel about it now. And so, you know, if you're out there listening to this, just know that you're not alone, and also know that you're not broken, you're not a bad person. And this leads me to the second thing I want to talk about, which is, I really wish I fully understood the importance of this next fact, which is that You are not a bad person for having sexual desires.
And in fact, our sexuality, our intimacy, is one of the most beautiful aspects of being a human. You know, getting to connect with someone on that intimate sexual level, it's beautiful. And again, there's so much shame associated with sexuality. for many different reasons. Some of it is upbringing, societal, religious, you know, there's a number of reasons, but there is a lot of shame associated with sexuality.
And for many men, they feel like their sexuality is unwanted, uh, that it makes them a bad man or a pervert. And so, part of the recovery journey is really learning how to embrace your sexuality. How to tap into it and own it and, you know, when you're attracted to someone, to actually be able to fully tap into that, and Instead of, you know, shaming it, suppressing it, and then acting out in an unhealthy way by binging on porn or something else, can you actually channel that energy into maybe going and approaching and talking to someone, or putting yourself out there, or getting out of your comfort zone?
So, you know, this, this next thing is really just understanding that So your sexuality is not bad, it's not sinful, and in fact it's a beautiful part of being a human. And so we really want to tap into a healthier sexuality. That is what this porn recovery is about. It's not about suppressing your desires or, you know, suppressing or shaming your sexuality.
It's about tapping into it in a healthy way. Of course, that being said, if you're into, um, unhealthy things, things that are illegal or harmful to other people or to yourself, you know, that's something that you do need to look at. It might need to be some self control around some of the things that are unhealthy.
But when that sexual desire arises, learning how to make space for it in your heart and say, Oh, you know, I'm really aroused by this person, rather than the sexual desire, the lust arises and it's like, Oh no, lust, I'm bad. So really accepting that sexual desire is a part of being human in a beautiful way.
The third thing I wish I knew is that shame only exacerbates the addiction. So that sense of feeling broken, feeling like, you know, like you're bad for some reason. If you allow that to take root in your mind, it's going to make the addiction worse. Because what shame does is it causes you to want to isolate.
You don't want people to see you. You don't want people to know. And so you turn away from people. Rather than getting support, you know, being around people, which is healing for us, we tend to run away from situations that might expose us, that might put us in uncomfortable positions. And so really understanding that Shame exacerbates addiction, and that the only way to heal addiction at the root is to let go of shame and accept yourself as you are.
To say, I am lovable. You know, even if I have work to do, even if there are things about myself that I want to improve, that I'm not proud of, I'm still lovable, I'm not broken, I'm not a bad person. The next thing I want to talk about is That again, I wish I knew at the beginning, is that getting support and getting accountability, getting guidance, is like putting your recovery on steroids.
Yes, you can break free from porn addiction and any addiction on your own through a lot of personal development. Um, you know, doing it on your own is possible, but it's so much easier to get support around you. And that support can be in many different forms. It can be in the In the form of a therapist or a psychologist that you're willing to able up, you're willing to open up to about the addiction that you're struggling with.
It can also be in the form of a coach, someone like myself who works with people with sexual compulsive behaviors. It can also be something like a men's group where you are in a safe space where you can be vulnerable and talk about how you are struggling with unwanted porn use. So there's a lot of different ways to get support.
Break free from this habit. If you want to break free from this habit that is holding you back in so many ways, the most effective thing to do is to get support. To get accountability. To surround yourself with people that won't let you off the hook. That is the number one most effective thing you can do to break free from porn.
Because there are times, if you try to go it alone, there are times where your own motivation just falls away. You have a bad week and... You relapse, whatever it is, and you, you just give up on that recovery aspiration. But if you, you know, surround yourself with those people that won't let you give up, that ask you week in and week out, how are you doing with that thing that you said you wanted to work on?
You know, whether it's a coach, A therapist, a men's group, you know, finding those people that can really support you and getting that professional support is so helpful. I would not recommend people doing it the way I did it, which took many, many years and took a lot of personal development work going on silent meditation retreats for days and days on end.
Every few months I would go into a silent retreat to really understand my mind and the way it was working. And that is important to do, you know, and I talk about it. In my online program and elsewhere, learning how to understand your mind, master your mind, learn how to work with the dynamics of what's going on is important.
But, you know, the more important thing is getting that support network around you. And as an added bonus, the support network also gives you an opportunity to let go of shame. You know, to open up and be vulnerable about it and say, Hey, guys. I'm really struggling with porn addiction. That act of sharing your pain lets go of shame because what you'll notice is you share it and Inside you don't realize but your mind is thinking as soon as I say this people are gonna think I'm a pervert or whatever it Is when you say it and you realize how people just nodding.
They're like, yeah me too And there's that sense of relief. Oh, I'm not alone. So that's um, That's the one about getting accountability. The final thing that again, I wish I knew is that if and when you relapse Whether it's through porn, or you know, bikini models on Instagram, or whatever it is that you relapse into that you're not proud of.
To not let that be the end of your journey. So many times I see guys, they have this huge aspiration, and these huge goals, and they say, I'm really going to work on this. And then they have a bad day at work, or you know, an argument with their partner. And they let that... derail their whole process. And instead, you know, if you do relapse, can you just let it be that once?
And say, okay, I relapsed, I watched porn, whatever. Let me start again. One of the things that I say to my clients is that your total days not watching porn is more important than your streak. You know, a streak is good, a streak is helpful to say, Oh, okay, I haven't watched porn in three months. Because that gives your brain time to heal.
But what's more important than that is just the total number of days you've gone without watching porn. That is really what's more important because we're talking about neuroplasticity here. We're talking about the way your mind forms neural pathways. And so many of the negative consequences of watching porn.
come from how we are wiring our mind for lust, to want novelty, to seek more extreme, uh, sexual interactions, to change our view of what intimacy is all about based off of what we're seeing. And so it's just a kind of a numbers game. If you're watching porn all, you know, every day, that's going to add up over time.
If you watch porn once a month, you know, it's gonna affect your neural pathways much less. So, if you relapse, or when you relapse, to not let it derail your whole aspirational journey, but just to say, okay, I relapsed, and let me get back on this game plan. So those are some of the things that I wish that I knew at the beginning of my porn recovery journey.
And I hope that they will be helpful for you as you continue on your journey, wherever you are in that journey, whether you are just now realizing that porn might not be so healthy, or maybe you're years into a recovery journey, and you're really working on fine tuning all the different ways that compulsive behaviors show up in your life.
So wherever you are, I hope that these tips, these ideas have been helpful for you. As always, I'm here for you. If you are interested in coaching, you know, I offer a free discovery call to anyone who's interested. So if you're interested, you can find the link in the show notes, sign up for a free discovery call, or we'll talk about.
What's going on in your life? Where do you want to get to? What are your aspirations? You know, we'll really see if coaching can help you and if it's a good fit. So feel free to reach out anytime. You can just send me a message on the social medias or you can sign up directly on my website. That is it for today from the lovely Bali and I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well and I'll see you on the next episode.
Peace out.