What should you do when faced with a relapse? Inspired by a recent coaching session, I'll be sharing three crucial steps to take when navigating the challenges of relapse and how to forge ahead on your journey to personal growth.
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Hey there, it's Jeremy Lipkowitz, and I'm thrilled to take you on a transformative journey in this week's episode of "Unhooked." Together, we'll unravel the secrets to resilience as I reveal three crucial steps for navigating the challenges of relapse. Join me in exploring the art of letting go, shedding toxic shame, and embracing life's rollercoaster with grace.
As we continue, I'll guide you through the vital step of reaching out for accountability and support. Drawing from a real-life example, we'll uncover the power of sharing our struggles with trusted individuals – whether it's a coach, mentor, therapist, or a friend. Breaking the chains of isolation can be a game-changer on our road to recovery.
Our journey culminates in introspection and clarity. I'll share a client's five profound reasons for breaking free from a particular habit, encouraging you to uncover your unique motivations. Let's understand your "whys" together, serving as a compass to guide you back on track, even after a relapse.
Visualize your life as a flourishing garden with an abundance of beauty, but perhaps with an artificial element, like a plastic palm tree, absorbing your attention and resources. Together, we'll explore what truly deserves your nourishment and focus. Tune in for a personal and practical exploration of resilience and growth after setbacks.
Interested in getting 1:1 coaching support? Learn about my Coaching Program and book a free discovery call: https://www.jeremylipkowitz.com/intro
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Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of unhooked. I'm your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz. And on today's episode. Talking about what to do when you relapse. On the show today, I'm going to be covering three steps you should take when you relapse and what to do to move forward. So stay tuned.
So hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of unhooked. I'm your host, Jeremy liquids. And this time it is the Cape town South Africa edition. So I am here in Cape town. For about a month, about five weeks with some friends. Doing a bit of rock climbing and hiking and getting into nature. And just generally giving myself a bit more time and space to slow down and. Do things that nourish my soul so happy to have the podcast with me, wherever I go.
I've got my little travel microphone. And staying committed to. Bringing these episodes to you once a week on Mondays. Today, what I want to talk about is something that I was inspired to talk about from a recent coaching session with a client of mine. And this client gave me permission to use his case as an example to use what happened to him recently. Uh, and share it on the podcast, in the hopes that it would be of service to those of you out there. Going through something similar. And that is really the topic of relapse and what to do when you relapse.
Let's say you're going strong on your commitment to not watch porn. You're changing your habits and behaviors. And something happens, you know, it could be a moment of stress. It can be a moment of boredom. Maybe you have more time on your hands than you realize. You have some isolation, something happens that causes you to relapse. The question is what should you do in that moment? What is the skillful thing to do in that moment? So I want to talk about what I consider to be the three most important steps. The very first step when you relapse. And this is the most important is to let go of toxic shame. Let go of this idea that relaxing somehow makes you a bad person or is proof that you're broken because you're not. Even if you relapse, you are not a bad person.
Even if you watch porn. Watching point doesn't make you a bad person. The question is. Is it conducive to a healthy life? Is it conducive to you being the best version of yourself? Is it. Harming other people. None of that will make you a bad person. They might mean that you aren't taking bad actions or having unskillful actions, but none of this makes you a bad person. So the very first step during a relapse is to just check in and see if there is a lot of self judgment.
If there's a lot of shame going on. Toxic shame thinking that you're a bad person or thinking that you're broken. And just letting go of that. Just remembering. Oh, it's it's okay. Like it's not the end of the world. I can just get back and start again. So the very first step. Letting go of that toxic shame. And embracing the fact that we're all on a journey.
You know, it's not a linear process, it's a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes you're doing great for months and then you can have us that, and it's okay. You know? Thinking about. The analogy of climbing a mountain. If you're climbing a mountain, it's not going to be a consistent uphill. You know, you never slide back down.
Sometimes you go up and sometimes you have to go down a little bit in order to go up again. Sometimes you slip and you fall. And it doesn't mean that it's over it. You just have to get back up and keep going. So the first thing, let go of shame. Don't give up. Get back on track. The second step that I find most helpful is to reach out for some accountability and support. And so this is exactly what my client did.
You know, my client had been going strong for a while and had this relapse. And about three days into that relapse, he reached out to me, he sent me a text and said, I need to be honest, I've relapsed. It's turned into, you know, a multi-day thing. And I really need to get back on track. And so sending you this message. As a part of that accountability, you know, he just sent me that message just to say, Hey, you know, I have relapsed. I need some accountability.
I need to stop lying to myself. I need to stop hiding this from others. And so reaching out was that step. If you don't have a coach, you can reach out to a mentor, a therapist. You can also reach out to a friend. And just let them know what's going on. You know, let them know that. You made a commitment to try to change a habit, change a behavior. If you feel comfortable telling them what it's about, you can tell them that it's about porn. And that you really want to get back on track.
And you're going to start today, you know, and, and ask for some accountability. Maybe they can check in with you. Tomorrow or a couple of days from now or a week from now. And they can give you that accountability. That is so important. So that's the second step is to stop living in isolation. Stop hiding this from yourself and from other people. And to reach out for some support. It doesn't have to be professional.
It can be just with a friend. You know, someone that you trust to hold space for that without judgment. So that's step number two, reaching out for support. Step number three. And this is where I really want to bring in the example of my client. Is to get clear on why you want to quit. You know, To just remind yourself. Why are you doing this work?
Because as I've talked about so many times on this podcast, The issue with porn addiction is a lot of the consequences are subtle. They're downstream. You don't necessarily see them right away, except for the. The feeling of being out of alignment with your integrity, which is an instantaneous thing. Uh, and the feeling of craving you. You know that the suffering that comes from wanting what you don't have, that's also instantaneous. But a lot of these other things about how to impact our relationships, our intimacy, our concentration. Those we tend to feel much further down the road.
And so it's very easy to slip back into some of these behaviors without even realizing it. Or you can lie to yourself and say, what's the big deal. It's just porn. Right? So what I had my client do when he sent me this message. Is I had him take some time to journal and reflect on what are his reasons for wanting to quit. There's no one size fits all.
There's no one reason that's right for everyone. You will have your own reasons. You know, but to get clear, to get clarity on what. Negative consequences. Is it bringing into your life? What is the havoc that it's causing in your life? And why is it important for you to break free from that habit? And so my client did this journaling.
We had another session in, he shared these commitments with me, these reasons for why he wants to quit. And. I wanted to share these with you because there's a chance that some of these will inspire you as well. So, what he shared with me are his five reasons for why he wants to quit. The first one was to be free of lust, to be free of cravings and to be free of the mood swings that it causes when he acts out. So that's that first really powerful intention, just recognizing how much suffering. Is caused by lust and craving. You know how much mental turmoil is caused by these behaviors? So the first intention, the first reason is just wanting to be free from that suffering. The second reason he shared was because he wanted to rekindle the spark and the intimacy in his relationship. He wanted to get more clarity on the relationship as well and what it means to him and what his commitments are to his wife. But rekindling that spark and intimacy is one of the key factors that is causing him to want to give up porn, because it has a clear. Uh, impact on his intimacy. So that is reason.
Number two. Reason number three. He is living a more honest life. To not hide, to not keep secrets. To not be fantasizing about other women without them knowing. But living in integrity is another reason. And this is just not compatible with a life of acting out with pornography. Particularly if you are. Lying about it, hiding it, keeping secrets from those in your life.
The fourth reason he shared was to have more focus, more focused on his career, his passions, and to be able to make. Bold courageous steps in his career. Again, one of the problems with porn. Is, it sucks. Our energy away. It steals our life force our energy away from things like our career, our passions, our relationships. And so for this client of mine, you know, just wanting to be able to put that energy into things that were actually meaningful and important.
The fifth reason he shared with me was to stop wasting time and procrastinating. And this is one that I hear from so many people, all of. Those of you who have come on discovery calls with me or clients that I've worked with. How much time is wasted. On this. Empty. Pursuit of pleasure. That just doesn't bring any deeper fulfillment. And in fact just makes it worse.
It makes the suffering worse. That loneliness worse. And so this real strong intention of, I want to stop wasting time. I want to stop procrastinating on what's important. That was reason number five. So I wanted to share these five with you, these five from my client, but I want to encourage you. Whether or not, you've relapsed to get clear on your why's, you know, what are the reasons for you that you want to quit? The more clear you can get on your why, the stronger your motivation is the stronger your discipline is going to be. And the more quickly you'll be able to get back on track after relapse. Again, going back to this analogy of climbing a mountain. If you're climbing a mountain. And you don't really know why you're climbing the mountain. You're not really sure. Y you're trying to get to the top of the mountain. Then if you slip and fall and hurt yourself. It's going to be very easy to say, well, why should I get back up and keep climbing the mountain?
I don't even know why I'm climbing this mountain. I might as well turn around and go home and lay in bed. Right. But if you are clear on why it's important for you to reach the top of that mountain. It doesn't matter how many times you fall off, you're going to keep getting back up. And keep climbing.
So those are the five reasons for my clients.
Again, I want to encourage you right now today. To sit down and journal. And figure out what are your whys? What are the reasons you want to get to the top of this mountain? What are the reasons you want to quit this behavior? The stronger, your clarity on your reasons, the stronger your. Connection to it is going to become the stronger connection to your recovery is going to become. So I want to encourage you to do that and get clear. The last thing I wanted to share with you today was. During this coaching session, I had my client. Come up with an analogy, a metaphor for what was going on in his life that was related to this, you know what. What was this porn habit that he had? And it was such a beautiful metaphor that he, that came to him that came to his mind. That I wanted to share it with you. And what this metaphor was is. My client, you know, feels like they, he has this beautiful garden.
He has a forest of riches in his life. Is this. Amazing garden in his backyard. And there's so much beauty in it. And there's all these different plants and trees and shrubs and flowers and all these things. And he is the person responsible for watering these plants for keeping them healthy, providing them sunlight and. Nutrition and water. And what he sees is that this porn habit. It's like this fake plastic Palm tree. Outside of the garden. And it's just plastic from top to bottom. There's nothing in it, but he's going over and he's giving all of his water all of his time and energy and resources. Into this fake plant. This empty vessel that doesn't actually provide any real beauty doesn't provide any sustenance or meaning or joy for him. And so to just remember that there's all this beauty in your life, but it needs your attention.
It needs your water. And instead of giving this forest of riches, your water, you're giving it to this. This empty vessel, this plastic Palm tree. That's. You know, sitting in a piece of plastic soil. And so just to remember that, like, what are you giving your water to? Are you giving it to this habit of watching images on a screen that it's not providing any happiness or fulfillment? And if so, what would you rather be giving it to. So that is a metaphor that I found beautiful.
I know it really inspired my client and I hope that it is helpful for you as well. So that is all for today. I want to just end today with a big, thank you. Thank you to all of you who are listening. Every time I check the downloads for this podcast. It is just growing and growing and growing and, um, Really thankful and inspired that so many people are resonating with the stuff on this podcast and what I'm saying and that so many of you are reaching out and getting support and becoming clients as well.
I really. I appreciate every one of you that is, uh, become a client of mine and everyone who continues to listen in. And share this with people who need it. So a big thank you to all of you out there. If you want to support this podcast, you know, to do, which is to leave a review, share it with a friend. All of that good stuff really goes a long way in supporting this podcast. So I will be here in Cape town for another few weeks.
So you can expect another few episodes on the road from me. So that is it from Cape town, South Africa. Wishing you all a wonderful rest of your week. And with that, we'll catch you on the next episode.