You're listening to unhooked. On today's episode, we're going to be talking about the three phases of habit change in porn recovery. And how it can help you establish new, healthy habits for your life. This episode is one from the archives originally released over a year ago. And I'm rebroadcasting it today because it is such a powerful way to look at habit change. This understanding of the three phases of habit change can be a helpful tool. For your own transformation and recovery process. So, if you're looking to change your habits and behaviors, And what a powerful framework to help you be successful. This is the episode for you. So stay tuned.
So welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of the unhooked podcast, breaking porn addiction. Today's episode is going to be talking about the three phases of habit change.
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Ultimately, when we're talking about breaking free from porn addiction or just breaking free from unwanted porn use or detrimental porn use, you know, if you're watching just a little too much and it's cutting into your ability to work or focus, or it's having a negative impact on your relationship, whether it's a full blown porn addiction or just that unwanted or harmful porn use.
Ultimately, what we're talking about is changing our habits, you know, breaking free from the compulsive nature of porn use. What we want to do is change our subconscious or unconscious behaviors as it relates to porn and sexuality. And instead what we want is to have some habits and behaviors that are actually supporting our life, you know, can we have these habitual responses of our life be supportive and nurturing and onward leading Rather than our habitual responses being to escape, to avoid, to numb ourselves out So we really need to understand the science behind habit formation and habit change.
And this framework of the three phases of habit change is something that I got from a book that I really love. It's called Organize Tomorrow Today. And it's more of a productivity book, but I found it very useful when it comes to understanding habits and productivity and how we can change our habits and let go of bad habits.
So just diving straight in, what are the three phases? The first phase is what we call the honeymoon phase, and this is where you want to start cultivating some new healthy habit, or let go of some bad habit, and then in that honeymoon phase, it's when it feels really exciting, you know, you're really motivated about this change, and it's In the beginning, it's very easy to accomplish the things you want to accomplish.
So, for example, if you want to break free from porn and stop watching it, in the beginning, it might be very easy to not watch. Maybe the first few days, you have no trouble at all, you're feeling great, you're feeling inspired. This is the same for, for example, going to the gym. or eating healthy. The first few days or weeks, you might be, you know, riding that high of the motivation, uh, and it's just easy to stick with it.
So you feel hopeful in this stage. You might also feel a little nervous or anxious, but it's that kind of exciting aspect of a habit change. The second phase that we go through in habit change is what's called the fight through phase. And this is where you start to have those tiny little thoughts creep in.
So things like, well, what's the big deal if I watch porn just once? Or, why don't I just watch porn today and I can restart tomorrow? So these little thoughts start to creep in of Doubts that begin to derail your original plan. So let's say you make the original plan of I'm gonna go 30 days without watching porn just to help rewire my brain, give my brain time to detox from the porn experience.
And if that's your plan, you know, and you want to stick with it, the fight through phase is when you start to think, Wow, what's the big deal if I just watch a couple minutes of porn? Or if you're trying to eat healthier, it's what's the big deal if I just, uh, eat a little bit of sugar or all these kind of doubts that start to creep in is the fight through phase because it's where you have to actually fight through it in order to stick with your plan of habit change.
So another common example of this is, well, I had a really tough day and so I deserve to treat myself. I had a tough day at work so I deserve to relax with a little bit of porn. Or I had a really difficult conversation and so I deserve a little bit of sugar. Or I'm really just exhausted because I got so much work done so I should treat myself.
All of these kind of I deserved it thoughts are also in that fight through phase. Now the fight through is when you lose that high energy of the honeymoon phase and you're Ability to stick with your plan starts to deflate a little bit. And here's where the key battle comes in, is in these fight through moments, in this second phase.
The key thing is that every time you win a fight through moment, Let's say, you know, the thought comes in, what's the big deal if I watch a little bit of porn? If you win that moment and you stay true to your original intention, the next fight through moment becomes easier to win. But every time you give in to that moment And you say, yeah, what's the big deal if I watch a little bit of porn?
So you go and watch porn. The next one is going to be harder as well. So every time you build up that discipline and win those fight through moments, the next one becomes easier. Every time you give in to the temptation, you give in to the desire or the urge, the next one becomes harder and harder to win.
So after the fight through phase, if you make it through that phase is the next and final phase is what's called second nature phase. And when you get to the second nature phase, this is where it's You barely even think about it anymore. You know, you're going to the gym on a regular basis. You don't have to put in that effort or that motivation, that energy.
It's just part of what you do on a regular basis. The same thing for porn. Once you get to the second nature phase, you don't even think about using porn to escape, to avoid, to procrastinate. It's just not part of who you are anymore. So the goal for us is how can we get to that second nature phase? With any of these habits that we either want to get rid of if they're unhealthy habits or cultivate if they're healthy ones.
So for example, if you want that second nature to be when you're bored, or when you're tired, or when you're anxious, you don't even think about porn. On the flip side of something that you want to cultivate, maybe going to the gym and exercising is just second nature. You don't even think about whether or not it's an option.
You just exercise because it's what you do. Same with brushing your teeth. You don't have to think about getting motivated to brush your teeth. You just brush your teeth. So the key is to move from honeymoon phase to fight through phase to second nature phase. Again, the honeymoon phase is where it's exciting, it's easy, we're motivated, and then we move into that fight through phase.
where things start to get a little bit difficult, we start to have some doubts, and that's where it's a bit dangerous. And then ultimately we get to that second nature phase, where we don't need to think about it so much. So, understanding this framework is very helpful, because when you're in one of those fight through moments, and you can recognize it, You know, it gives you that framework of understanding what's going on.
Because most of the time we might be in these fight through moments without realizing it's a fight through moment. We're just believing the thoughts in our head. You know, we're just believing, yeah, it's not a big deal if I watch a little bit of porn, you know, it won't derail me. When ultimately, if we keep buying into that, it's going to hold us back forever.
So, understanding when you're in a fight through moment is going to give you some clarity, so that you can actually win that moment and make it through to second nature phase. The other thing that's helpful here is knowing about these three phases. can give you some help by planning ahead, knowing that you're going to experience those fight through moments, rather than thinking it's going to be honeymoon phase the whole time, thinking it's just going to be easy and, you know, that will happen in the beginning when you're motivated.
But planning ahead and planning for what will I do in a fight through moment. What will I do when I have one of these doubts about my recovery? So planning ahead can be very helpful here. The final thing here is just to remember that if you lose a fight through moment, if you relapse, if you give in, if you don't exercise, whatever it is, it's not a sign that anything is wrong with you.
It's not a sign that your recovery has failed or that you're broken. It's just an opportunity to start again. And I love the language here. It's a fight through moment because it cultivates this warrior energy. You know, can you step into that warrior mindset of saying, no, you know, I need to actually put in some effort here.
I need to fight through this. I need to bring that inner strength, that resilience to this moment. And, you know, if you lose one of these moments and you give in, to not beat yourself up and to not get down on yourself, but to say, Okay, let me start again. Let me regather my strength and get back on my plan because I know, long term, this is what will be most supportive for my life.
So, hopefully you can see that this topic of the three phases of habit change, it's not just about, Porn, but it's really about any habit that you want to cultivate, or any habit that you want to let go of. For these unhealthy ones, maybe you're eating too much junk food, or watching too much Netflix, or on your phone too much.
Anything that requires habit change. This framework of the three phases will be helpful. So that is it. It's a short one today. I just wanted to pop in here and talk about these three phases because I know it's been so helpful for me when I cultivate new habits and also for my clients just having that framework that That, uh, you know, the terminology of, oh, this is a fight through moment.
Can I win just this moment? Knowing that every time you win a fight through moment, the next one will get easier. And every time you give in or lose one, the next one is going to get harder. So I hope that is helpful for you and your journey of wherever it is that you're trying to cultivate. Maybe breaking free from porn, obviously the topic of this podcast, but anything else that you're working on, going to the gym, spending less time on social media, being more productive at work, whatever it is you want to work on.
See if you can apply this framework of the three phases to help you in your journey. So that is it for today. Signing off from beautiful Bali. I'll catch you guys on the next one.