This episode of 'Unhooked' with Jeremy Lipkowitz centers on aiding partners in supporting their significant others through porn addiction recovery. Rather than focusing on individuals battling addiction directly, this episode targets their partners, offering guidance and strategies for facilitating a supportive recovery environment. Jeremy outlines six key approaches: fostering open communication, educating oneself on porn addiction, remembering the addiction isn't personal, offering shame-free support, encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, and suggesting professional support. The episode emphasizes the importance of open dialogue, understanding, and mutual support in strengthening relationships throughout the recovery journey. Additionally, Jeremy underscores the significance of self-care for partners and introduces his coaching program for couples seeking further assistance.
00:00 Introduction to Supporting Your Partner Through Porn Addiction Recovery
00:20 Understanding the Basis of Today's Episode
01:58 Setting the Stage: Assumptions for the Episode
04:33 Six Ways to Support Your Partner in Recovery
16:01 Final Thoughts and Self-Care Reminder
Interested in getting 1:1 coaching support? Apply for a free discovery call: https://www.jeremylipkowitz.com/intro
GET NOTIFIED WHEN DOORS OPEN TO UNHOOKED RECOVERY: https://jeremylipkowitz.mykajabi.com/unhooked
Connect with me on Social:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jeremylipkowitz/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/JeremyLipkowitz
-------------------
ABOUT JEREMY LIPKOWITZ
Jeremy overcame addiction, shame, self-judgement, and depression in his early twenties with the help of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness not only helped him let go of destructive behaviors, it also allowed him to connect with deeper meaning and purpose in his life.
For the past 10 years Jeremy has been teaching mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices at universities, recovery centers, and companies throughout Asia and the US. He holds a Bachelors and Master’s degree in Genetics and Genomics, and spent several years at Duke University working towards a PhD in Genetics & Systems Biology before he turned full-time to teaching mindfulness.
Jeremy is also an ICF certified Executive Coach. As a former scientist and academic, Jeremy has a great passion for bringing his EI based coaching skills into the corporate and professional world. He realizes how powerful & transformative these practices can be for skeptics and senior-level managers. He is known for his calm and grounded demeanor, his expertise in habits and high-performance, and his compassionate approach to transformation.
You're listening to unhooked. On today's episode. Supporting your partner through point addiction recovery. Six different ways you can help. So stay tuned.
So hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to another episode of unhooked. I'm your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz. Today's episode was inspired by some of my recent conversations with some coaching clients. Where I've been working a lot lately with not just the man in recovery, but also with their partner. And there's a question that often is arising from the partner, which is how can I help support my partner in their recovery. So today's episode is a direct response to that question. And in this episode, I will be speaking directly to the partner.
So rather than speaking to the man in recovery, which I usually do on this podcast. Today's episode, I'm going to be speaking directly to the partner. The person who wants to support the other person in recovery. So for all the men out there listening, you are welcome to send this to your partner.
If you feel like it would be helpful. Obviously, if they are unaware of your addiction or your use of porn, it would be helpful to first have that conversation. Around your usage and around opening up. But once you have that conversation, once all the cards are on the table, you are more than welcome to share this episode with your partner. And on that note, I will soon come out with an episode on how to actually have that initial conversation with your partner. If you are a man in a relationship and have been hiding your porn use. And want to come clean and want to open up to your partner about it and have that first conversation. Then stay tuned on the podcast because soon I'll be releasing an episode about that in particular. So onto today's content. So first is at the stage. In this episode, I will be assuming a few things. So first, I'll be assuming that you are aware of your partner's porn habit. That you have had that conversation that you guys are both open about.
What's going on. And that your partner has that desire to break free from their habit. They want to break free. They want to change their behavior. And they are looking for ways to do that. Secondly, I'm also going to assume that you're at the place within yourself, where you want to help your partner in overcoming their addiction. Now, depending on the circumstances, that might not be the case.
You know, if there was some serious. Sexual misconduct alongside the porn addiction. Maybe you are not interested in supporting them and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. And that's totally your prerogative. And up to you. But I'm assuming that you weren't at the place in your relationship or you want to support your partner.
You're going to stick with it and be there for them as they work through this process of recovery. So, again, this assumes that you are both aware that you're both open about what's going on, that your partner wants to change and that you want to be a support for your partner.
In this episode, I'll also just be speaking from the kind of heteronormative perspective of assuming that the person in recovery is a man.
And assuming that you, the partner is a woman, but of course. This applies to any other combination, you might be a gay couple, you might be lesbian couple. You know, you might be reversed. Maybe the woman is in recovery and you as a man wants to support. but just for ease of clarity, I'll be speaking from that. Heteronormative perspective. All right.
So if you are at that place, if those two assumptions apply to you, Then, first of all, I just want to congratulate you because not many couples have taken that step where they are openly talking about these issues. You know, there are so many couples out there. That avoid this issue altogether because it's an uncomfortable one. There are many men out there who, you know, it's a very sensitive topic and it's hard to talk about.
And so they'd rather just sweep it under the rug or suppress it or avoid this conversation. So if you guys are at that place where you've had this conversation and you're talking about it, then that is a huge step. And you are much farther along than most couples in that regard. So well done. Now onto today's content. What are the six ways that you can support your partner in their recovery?
Step number one is to foster open communication.
So communication is so critical in any relationship, whether or not there's addiction in the relationship. Or, you know, unhealthy habits having open and honest and vulnerable conversation is so important and critical. And this is particularly true when it comes to topics that are sensitive or shameful, that one partner would rather avoid. So the first thing is to encourage these open, honest conversations with your partner about what their struggles are, what their fears are. And the way you can do this is by creating a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions without judgment. So coming from that non-judgemental. Uh, point of view, that nonjudgmental perspective, letting them know that they're safe to share and explore what's coming up. That is going to be extremely helpful in helping them work through this. And you can listen and validate their feelings, letting them know that you're there for them. And that you want to support them and, you know, you're willing to listen and to hear what's going on for them.
The second thing that you can do to support your partner is to simply educate yourself on porn addiction.
And what is it like for men? You know, what is it like to have that as an addiction in your life? What is the shame feel like? Understanding some of the underlying causes triggers the effects that it might have on your partner. By educating yourself, you can get a better understanding of what your partner is going through and how you can support them. So you can look for different books or articles, podcasts like this one different support groups that can give you some insight into the addiction. And this is again, not to say that you are condoning any behavior or condoning this addiction, but simply understanding what is it like, you know, what's going on from their perspective is going to. Give you a bit more of that compassionate understanding. So that is the second thing you can do is to educate yourself, understand more what this is like, because for many, many of you out there, many women in particular, this might be a huge shock.
You know, when I talk about the work that I do out in the real world, And I tell. You know, I tell men and many of them completely understand. Yeah. This is a huge thing. It's a huge addiction. It's a silent epidemic. And it's interesting when I tell women about, I would say maybe 40%. Are immediately understand and say, yeah, I've, I've had a partner who went through this or. I've gone through this myself, or I know it's a big issue. But about 60% of women are completely shocked and hadn't even thought of it as being possible that someone would be addicted to that. So if you're in that situation, if this is kind of a shock to you, that your partner might have this. Um, you know, it's helpful just to look at some of the studies, look at the frequency, just to understand the state of this addiction, because it might be. Completely shocking to you that this is even a thing. Um, but that will be helpful to understand why this affects people and how it affects people.
The third thing you can do to support your partner.
This is a huge one. Is to simply understand that this is not about you. That for many men, the use of porn and masturbation and self pleasure. Has been a self-soothing mechanism since they were. 8 9, 10 years old, you know, since way before they met you. This is a habit that started to creep into their life. And so for many, many men, this has nothing to do with their actual sexuality.
This is more of a coping mechanism that has maybe gotten out of control. So a huge thing that you can do. You know, for your partner is to just try to remind yourself that this is not about you. It's not that they don't find you attractive or they're not. Interested in the relationship. That it is likely about something different altogether.
And the more that you can separate yourself from this and in terms of not taking it personally, not thinking that it's about you. Uh, that's going to just give a little bit more breathing room for your partner to go through the difficult work that they need to go through. So that's something that you can do is just to try to remind yourself to not take it personally. Um, you know, to not think that this is some personal failing, like. One of the things I hear so many times from women in relationships with people struggling with porn addiction, as they feel. Maybe if they were sexier, if they were more, you know, they did more things in bed, whatever it is.
But to understand this is not about you, it's not about your skills. You know, In bed, just to understand that this is a coping mechanism that your partner probably developed when they were very young. And they've kept it in their life that whole time. So understanding it's not about you is another thing that you can do to support your partner and support yourself as well.
You know? The more you can support yourself emotionally and spiritually in this process, the more it will support your partner, because it will give them a bit more of ease to go through the work that they need to go through. The fourth thing you can do to support your partner. And this relates to some of the other ones we already talked about. Is to offer shame free support. What I mean by this is to avoid shaming your partner for their addiction.
We know from countless studies in the field of point addiction, recovery, and the field of addiction recovery in general, that shame is not a conducive driver for recovery. We'd like to think that if we just shame somebody and make them feel worse about their behavior, it's going to help them get clean and recover, but it doesn't work.
It actually exacerbates the addiction. Because we don't want to feel shame. And when we feel shame, we want to escape it and run away. So we act out. Often with the thing that we're ashamed of. So instead of focusing on their past mistakes, see if you can offer encouragement. And, you know, just remind them that change is possible, that they can grow tapping into that growth mindset. Just letting your partner know that you actually believe in their ability to overcome the addiction and that you're there to help them every step of the way that's going to be very helpful. Just a little caveat on this, not shaming your partner.
Again, this is not to say that you don't set boundaries about what you are okay with or not. Okay. With. You can still say, Hey, I'm not okay with you watching porn. And that's okay. But to avoid the shaming, the shaming is like, Oh, you're a pervert. You're a bad person because you do this. Instead to have a compassionate approach of understanding. It's an addiction again, that net crept into their life when they were younger. And, you know, they're, they're going through it doesn't make them a bad person.
It just means that they're dealing with something in there. Working to get over it.
The fifth thing you can do to support your partner. Is to encourage healthy coping mechanisms. With so much of addiction. It is not about the substance itself. It is about a coping mechanism wanting to have a way to deal with anxiety or stress or boredom or fear or loneliness. And so one of the important tools of recovery. Is developing healthy coping mechanisms. So instead of reaching out to porn or video games or junk food, when you're feeling overwhelmed, If you can reach out to something like exercise or getting out into nature or calling a friend, these are things that support recovery. So the more that you can encourage those behaviors for your partner. You know, make it easier for them to, to get the exercise they need, uh, maybe offer to go for a walk in nature with them. The more that you can encourage those for your partner, it's going to be helpful for them.
And it will also benefit you as well. I mean, we all need healthy coping mechanisms, so. Just encouraging those, you know, getting outside, getting exercise, sleeping better. Talking with loved ones, with friends being vulnerable. There's so many ways to develop these healthy coping mechanisms. So you can help your partner by encouraging those, especially if you see them. Suffering or struggling with some stress you can just check in and say, Hey, how are you doing? You look like you're stressed today. Do you need to go for a walk? Uh, ways that you can help them like that. The sixth way that you can help your partner going through porn addiction. Is to encourage them to seek professional support. So encouraging your partner to get help from therapists, from counselors, from coaches, from support groups. Particularly if those professional support areas specialize in addiction, recovery, or in point addiction. This professional guidance can provide some valuable tools for your partners.
Some coping strategies. Emotional support. Uh, you know, just being listened to and letting go of shame is a huge component of that. And it has the added benefit of relieving you from. Being their coach or their therapist in recovery. This is a weight that you shouldn't be taking on yourself. You shouldn't need to be the person's therapist or their coach, particularly around this sensitive topic. So if you can encourage them to seek professional support. And find a place where they can be vulnerable, where they can open up. That is going to be a huge benefit.
And additionally, if you can find a place where you can get sessions together, you know, therapy. Relationship counseling. This can help strengthen your relationship. And it can address any underlying issues that might be contributing to the addiction. So if there are issues in your relationship that you guys are not addressing, maybe needs that aren't being met or some anxiety or some stress in the relationship. This can help. Heal the addiction.
So to kind of summarize everything we've talked about supporting your partner through porn addiction. It's really a beautiful thing. If you can go through it with your partner together. And I actually believe that it can strengthen your relationship and help deepen your intimacy. If you learn how to go through this together, I've seen so many couples that go through this process of recovery together, and it actually strengthens their relationship. And deepens their intimacy. It actually gives you some of the tools that you need to learn to actually explore some of these difficult conversations. To talk about things that you might be afraid to talk about. So it is a beautiful journey.
It's a difficult journey. Uh, but it's beautiful. So hopefully you can go on that journey together with your partner. And you can be that vital role in your partners recovery. So a final note. For you, the partner listening to this is to just remember to take care of yourself. You know, one of the best things you can do to support your partner in recovery is to support yourself, making sure that you are resourced and fulfilled and taking care of yourself emotionally. Because if your partner knows that you're okay. Then again, it will give them just a bit more. Breathing room and space to go on their own journey. So. On that note, if you and your partner are looking for support. I have recently been offering my coaching program for working more with couples.
So this is actually working together with couples. Not just for the man in recovery, but both you and your partner. So feel free to reach out and ask about a free discovery call for my unhooked academy coaching program. This is something that I really feel passionate about. And I think actually when you do it with your partner, it's actually so much more successful. And then the partner trying to do it on their own in secret. So simply send me a message.
You can find the link in the show notes below. And I'd love to chat with you about supporting you guys in your recovery. So that is it for today. Signing off from beautiful Bangkok. Wish you all a beautiful Monday in a beautiful week ahead. Until next time. Catch you on the next episode.