The 5 crucial things I had to GIVE UP to achieve lasting freedom from pornography

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42. The 5 crucial things I had to GIVE UP to achieve lasting freedom from pornography

Welcome to another episode of the Unhooked podcast, the place to learn how to break free from compulsive behaviors and bad habits, so that you can create the life you want.

If you found this episode helpful, please let me know by leaving a review! I would love to hear from you.


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About Jeremy:

JEREMY IS A MEDITATION TEACHER, LIFE COACH, AND DIGITAL HABITS EXPERT WHO WORKS WITH ENTREPRENEURS, EXECUTIVES, AND LEADERS.

Jeremy overcame addiction, shame, self-judgement, and depression in his early twenties with the help of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness not only helped him let go of destructive behaviors, it also allowed him to connect with deeper meaning and purpose in his life.

For the past 10 years Jeremy has been teaching mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices at universities, recovery centers, and companies throughout Asia and the US. He holds a Bachelors and Master’s degree in Genetics and Genomics, and spent several years at Duke University working towards a PhD in Genetics & Systems Biology before he turned full-time to teaching mindfulness.

Jeremy is also an ICF certified Executive Coach. As a former scientist and academic, Jeremy has a great passion for bringing his EI based coaching skills into the corporate and professional world. He realizes how powerful & transformative these practices can be for skeptics and senior-level managers. He is known for his calm and grounded demeanor, his expertise in habits and high-performance, and his compassionate approach to transformation.

Coaching Certifications

* CPCC, Co-Active Training Institute
* ICF Member
* ACC International Coaching Federation

Transcript

 You're listening to Unhooked, the breaking porn addiction podcast. Quitting porn for good is not easy, and it will be practically impossible if you are sabotaging your own success. So in today's episode, I'm going to share the five crucial things that I had to give up in order to achieve lasting freedom from porn addiction.

So if you're on a recovery journey and want to avoid self sabotage, this is an episode you don't want to miss. So, stay tuned.

So welcome, ladies and gentlemen. I'm your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz. It's a beautiful ish Friday afternoon here in Amsterdam. Had a bit of rain this morning. Not enough to keep me from getting to the gym, to play padel with friends at 7 in the morning. Although, admittedly, it did put me in a bit of a grumpy mood coming home from the gym in soggy clothes.

But I digress. It is beautiful today. The sun is now out and it's Friday afternoon and I get to be in my lovely apartment recording this podcast episode for you guys today. And it is a doozy. It's a beautiful episode that I've planned for you guys. I'm going to be talking about some of the most important things that I had to give up.

in order to really cement my recovery. You know, you can do a little bit of recovery. You can build up a streak. You can stop watching porn for a little bit. But if you want to have a long lasting sustainable recovery, there are certain things that you have to do. Certain things. that you have to make sure you give up.

So that is what I'm going to be talking about today. But before that, I have an important announcement. And lately I've been reflecting on my why. You know, why am I doing this podcast work? Why am I doing this work in the world? And ultimately, it's because I know what it's like to be addicted to porn. I know what it's like to be suffering from the internal and external consequences of porn addiction.

And I know how painful it is. And it took me a lot of trial and error, a lot of false starts, a lot of years of reading and meditation retreats and trying out different things in order to finally understand this addiction enough to break free from the root source of it. And I don't want you to have to suffer through that.

You know, there's so many people out there that I know are struggling with porn addiction in silence. My purpose on this planet is to help those of you out there who are struggling and to be, you know, a light for you by talking about the things that I struggled with, the mistakes that I made, the things I learned that are important on this recovery journey.

And this is why I created this podcast. And it's also why I created the Unhooked Recovery Program. This is the 30 day Porn Reboot program that I have available online. And right now you can get access to that course as a standalone product, meaning you can go and sign up and you can go through all the modules of the Unhooked Recovery Program at your own pace.

We even have a dedicated app that you can access the course videos and the guided meditations. So you don't even need to log into a browser. You can keep your phone on airplane mode and do the course and the meditations all from the app. But here's the important announcement. that on Friday, August 18th, in less than two weeks, your opportunity to get Unhooked all on its own will be going away, and I will be closing the doors to Unhooked.

And so I wanted to let you know now, before we close the doors to the program, so that if you wanted to get the course as a standalone product, you can do that. The reason that I'm closing the doors to that program is that I'm going to be revamping the course and launching it later as a cohort based program.

So this is going to be a more intensive and more intimate program, which will include things like group coaching, live sessions, and accountability. And of course, the price on this will also be higher, which is why I want to let you know now that you can get this course at the low price that it's at today.

So again, I'll be closing the doors. on Unhooked in less than two weeks. So if you want access to the course, lifetime access to the course, and you want to save hundreds and maybe even over a thousand dollars, then go sign up now. You get lifetime access. to the course modules, including any updates or bonuses that get added to the course down the road.

So this really is a no brainer. If you want access to this material, which is everything I've learned over the past decade about recovery, about porn addiction, about self mastery and deeper fulfillment in life. Now is the time to go do it. So please, do yourself a favor, go get this course before I close the doors on Friday, August 18th.

After that, I'll be raising the prices and only opening the doors occasionally for group cohort programs. If you want the link to the course, it is in the show notes here, or you can just go to JeremyLipkowitz. com slash unhooked. So that's it for the announcement today. Without further ado, let us dive into today's episode.

So welcome to the show. Welcome back to the main part of the program today, which is about the five crucial things that I had to give up to achieve lasting freedom. Now, if you are listening to this, you know, that breaking free from the grip of pornography. is a 100% a challenging journey. It is not easy.

It requires determination, commitment and being smart about your recovery. As someone who has conquered this addiction, I understand far too well the difficulties involved in Achieving this life changing goal, you know, in my own journey to quit porn, I had to make some significant changes in my life and I had to let go of certain aspects of my life as well.

So today I want to talk about the five crucial things that I had to give up. in order to achieve lasting freedom. Number one, I had to give up instant gratification as my primary source of happiness. One of the primary reasons why porn can be so addictive is its ability to provide instant gratification.

It's free. It's accessible, it's anonymous, and the dopamine hit is delivered within a second. All it takes is opening up your browser, typing in a few, uh, keywords, and then you're there. And now in today's fast paced world, we've become accustomed to getting what we want at the click of a button, the swipe of a finger, or at most a three minute walk down to the convenience store.

The problem with this is that instant gratification and these cheap dopamine hits are not ultimately fulfilling. The satisfaction we get from them doesn't last. To make this even worse, the more we rely on instant gratification, the more we feed into these neural pathways of wanting cheap dopamine hits, the shorter and shorter our patience becomes.

And the more we become habituated, so we need more and more extreme versions, we need more dopamine even faster, and we become less satisfied with the dopamine that we do get, you know, with the little pleasures in life. Drinking a cup of tea, watching the sunset. All of these things that maybe used to provide a sense of joy or happiness no longer satisfy us.

So to successfully quit porn, I had to let go of my constant search for immediate pleasure. I had to learn how to embrace patience, self control, and I had to learn how to replace instant gratification with long term fulfillment and self improvement. These proved to be, to be a vital step in my journey towards recovery.

And it's not to say that you can't enjoy pleasure. The opposite is true. The more you break free from porn, the more you will be able to actually enjoy the pleasure you have in your life. But it can't be the primary thing driving you forward. If all you want... Is instant pleasure. Instant gratification. It is like a losing game.

You are not only going to be more adapted to it and need higher and higher doses, but you just won't be able to find satisfaction in the happiness that you do get. So that is number one is letting go of instant gratification as your primary source of happiness. Number two is I had to let go of isolation, secrecy, and hiding what was going on with me.

Now we know that for all addictions, addiction thrives in secrecy and isolation and shame. To break free from the chains of addiction, I had to give up the habit of retreating into the shadows to indulge in my addiction. I remember with porn, so often I would hide away in my room, lock the doors, turn out the lights, and I would do this in secret because I was ashamed and I wanted to be alone.

I wanted to hide away and have this thing be all to myself. I didn't want anyone to know. And for all the years that I was addicted, no one knew. You know, I, at least I thought I was hiding it, but the truth is, people could probably see the effect it was having on me. But I was pretending that no one knew.

I was deluding myself. I was in denial. And I didn't know how to be vulnerable. I didn't know how to share my insecurities. I didn't know how to even express what was going on with me that might have been difficult. I had this mask that I put on of pretending everything was fine, that I had it all put together.

When the truth is that on the inside, I was really struggling. So by letting go of secrecy, letting go of hiding what was going on, I learned how to open up to friends and to get professional help. And this provided me with a supportive network with... A place for understanding and a place for guidance and it also helps me let go of shame.

This is one of the most important things is letting go of shame. And finally, you know, by letting go of the hiding, the secrecy and the shame, I was also finally able to have some accountability, you know, other people to help me be responsible for my actions. And to help me regain control over my life. So that is number two, letting go and giving up isolation, secrecy, and hiding what's going on.

Number three, the third thing I had to give up was unhealthy coping mechanisms, or numbing out all the time. So, like many other young men, I turned to porn as a coping mechanism. to deal with stress or anxiety or whatever emotional pain was going on that I couldn't deal with. You know, being teased at school, not getting the attention I was needing from my parents, whatever it was that was going on that I didn't know how to deal with, porn was the way that I soothed myself.

It was a way of dealing with my unmet needs in childhood and early adolescence. And if I wanted to break free from this harmful crutch of porn, I needed to find healthier ways to deal with my emotions. So not only did I need to end my unhealthy coping mechanism with porn, I also had to investigate all the other ways that I was numbing out.

So junk food, video games, TV, any of the ways that I was coping in an unhealthy way or numbing out or escaping. Because if you want to beat addiction at the root source, you have to learn how to develop healthy coping mechanisms. So things that are actually supportive in the long term of helping you deal with emotional Difficulty or emotional disturbance.

So, for example, some of the healthy coping mechanisms that have supported me in my recovery are exercise, making time to get into nature, talking with friends, going for walks, just resting, taking naps, journaling, meditating therapy. There are so many healthy coping mechanisms that you can cultivate and develop, and for sure they will help you break free from depression.

Thank you. porn addiction. And when I broke free, I did start exploring new hobbies and engaging with some of these practices like mindfulness and meditation and therapy. And over time, these positive habits replaced the destructive habits like turning to porn when I was facing challenges. You know, when I was dealing with stress and anxiety, instead of just reaching for porn, I would reach out for one of these healthy coping mechanisms.

Number four, the fourth thing that I had to give up was relying on willpower alone to break free. So again, like many young men, I had tried stopping my porn habit when I first realized it was a problem. The mistake that I made, though, was not having a strategy grounded in habit science. In fact, I didn't have any strategy at all, let alone one that was actually grounded in science.

But instead, I simply tried to break free using willpower. I just thought I had to have a stronger will, more determination, and push through it. You know, I needed to white knuckle it. The problem is, willpower doesn't work all on its own. Because it's a limited resource, and it's simply not strong enough, particularly in the beginning of recovery, when the addiction is still very strong.

So what I needed was a comprehensive strategy that would work beyond just willpower. I needed to understand things like behavioral architecture, the importance of stimulus control, things like self compassion and vulnerability, and also understanding the role of living a more purposeful and meaningful life.

So I needed to let go of the idea that I just needed to be stronger, and I needed to understand recovery science at its root.

Now the fifth thing that I had to give up in order to achieve lasting freedom is possibly the most important, and this is one that is going to be sneaky. It's going to be the one that That keeps most people stuck in their addiction. And this is the core belief that I was broken and couldn't be fixed.

Because porn can create the belief within yourself that you are inherently broken. It can make you feel unsalvageable, unfixable, or unlovable. as you are. And these core beliefs can keep you trapped in your addiction for years or decades or even for an entire lifetime. If you believe that you are inherently broken, that you are just too far gone and there is no chance of you recovering or healing, of course it's going to keep you stuck in that addiction.

So letting go of your own limiting beliefs is a crucial step in the journey towards healing. I had to forgive myself for many past mistakes. You know, so many things that I had done unskillfully, ways that I had harmed other people with my sexuality, ways that I had made people feel uncomfortable or harmed myself with my sexuality.

I had to understand that I was not defined by my addiction and I had to remember that change was and is always possible. I had to let go of the story I was telling myself that I couldn't change, because again, the truth is, if you don't know how to believe in the possibility of your recovery, it can't possibly come true.

So if you're listening to this, just remember, you are not broken. You are not unlovable, and that change is possible and healing is possible. No matter how far gone you feel like you are, no matter how deep your rock bottom goes, just know that there is always time to heal. You can always move in the right direction.

You can always start living from a place of greater integrity, from values, you know, being of service in the world. Even if you are still falling down from time to time, You can still live a life that is more good than it was in the past. You know, more wholesome, more of service to the world. So this final thing that we all have to let go of is our own self limiting belief of what we think is possible.

And this is true, not just in recovery, this is true in personal development in general, in business, in life, in dating, you are going to be your own greatest enemy. You know, if, if you do not believe in yourself, if you do not have that sense of belief that change is possible or that you can become great at anything you want, that is going to be the biggest impediment.

to your growth and transformation. So those are the five different things, the five crucial things that I had to give up in order to achieve that lasting freedom. So by giving up instant gratification, isolation and secrecy, unhealthy coping mechanisms, Relying on willpower and the belief that I was broken by giving those things up.

I freed myself from the chains of addiction, and I know that you can too. So if you can focus on giving up those five things, it will help you in your journey. And if you want support on that journey, just know that I offer intensive one on one coaching programs. So if this is something that you are ready and you are committed to your transformation and you want support on that journey.

Then get in touch with me and reach out. Ask about my one on one coaching programs. These are 12 week programs around three to four months long. And in those programs, I work with you one on one to help you break free at the root source. You know, this is not just using willpower and breaking free, but then relapsing later on.

This is about rewiring your mind and cultivating a life that is so fulfilling, so meaningful. That you don't even want to go back into porn. That porn isn't something that entices you. And this is one of the things that sets my recovery program apart from others is we look at a holistic approach. You know, we get you to the place where you can watch, you know, an R rated movie and you don't have to worry about seeing a sex scene because it's not going to trigger you.

Because you are so in control of yourself. You have that level of self mastery, of integrity, of honesty, of self compassion, of all the qualities that are supportive that you can walk around in the world, you know, without blockers. You don't need things blocking your phone when you have that level of self mastery.

And that is what long term, lasting recovery is about. Not living in a hole and hiding from anything that might trigger you, which is important in the beginning. You know, don't get me wrong. In the beginning, we need to limit the amount of triggers. We need to give time for the brain to heal. But lasting recovery is about doing the inner work.

And that's what I do with my one on one clients. And I would be honored to do that work with you. So if you're interested, you can find the info on my website or in the show notes for the podcast episode here. So that is it for today. Once again, the doors to unhooked are closing on August 18th, less than two weeks.

So go ahead and check that out if you're interested. And with that signing off from a sunny Amsterdam, I'll catch you guys on the next episode.