91. 'The Way of Integrity' Part 2: Is Your Strategy Working? Redefining Success for a More Meaningful Life

In this episode of 'Unhooked: The Breaking Porn Addiction Podcast,' host Jeremy Lipkowitz explores the second step to integrity as outlined in Martha Beck's book, 'The Way of Integrity.' Jeremy emphasizes the importance of critically examining the path one is on to ensure it aligns with their goals for happiness and fulfillment. He reads from Beck's book, sharing the metaphor of not trying harder on strategies that don't work, and the need to reassess and potentially change one's life approach. Jeremy discusses the significance of meeting a 'teacher' who can offer fresh perspectives and challenge current ways of being, stressing the ultimate goal of finding one's own inner wisdom. The episode encourages listeners to evaluate their current strategies for happiness and seek new paths that bring genuine fulfillment.

00:00 Introduction to Today's Episode

00:45 Unhooked Academy Group Coaching Program

01:24 Recap of Previous Episode

02:44 Exploring the Second Step to Integrity

03:07 The Importance of Strategy in Life

05:45 Personal Experiences and Insights

10:34 Meeting the Teacher

14:36 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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ABOUT JEREMY LIPKOWITZ

Jeremy overcame addiction, shame, self-judgement, and depression in his early twenties with the help of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness not only helped him let go of destructive behaviors, it also allowed him to connect with deeper meaning and purpose in his life.

For the past 10 years Jeremy has been teaching mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices at universities, recovery centers, and companies throughout Asia and the US. He holds a Bachelors and Master’s degree in Genetics and Genomics, and spent several years at Duke University working towards a PhD in Genetics & Systems Biology before he turned full-time to teaching mindfulness.

Jeremy is also an ICF certified Executive Coach. As a former scientist and academic, Jeremy has a great passion for bringing his EI based coaching skills into the corporate and professional world. He realizes how powerful & transformative these practices can be for skeptics and senior-level managers. He is known for his calm and grounded demeanor, his expertise in habits and high-performance, and his compassionate approach to transformation.

Transcript

 You're listening to unhooked the breaking point addiction podcast. On today's episode, I'm going to be continuing to explore the book the way of integrity by Martha Beck. This time looking at the second step of the path to integrity. looking at the path that you're on. And really starting to critically examine if the path that you're on is a path worth following.  And if it's not, how do you start to find a  strategy. To live a better life. So. Stay tuned.  



So welcome ladies and gentlemen. 

My name is Jeremy Lipkowitz, host of the unhooked podcast. Coming at you here today from Amsterdam. It is a Monday afternoon. And before we dive into the content today, just another reminder that the unhooked academy group coaching program is already underway. And it is rolling admission. 

So we were taking new members all the time. And we've already been a few weeks in and it is just a wonderful community. A wonderful support for people who are breaking free from porn addiction. We have an accountability structure, group coaching program and online community and forum. Where you can get support and get your questions answered. 

So if you're interested in that, definitely check out the link to that in the show notes. And now without further ado. Onto today's episode. 





So welcome ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of unhooked the breaking point addiction podcast. I'm your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz here in Amsterdam.  And we are going to be continuing on with the series of the way of integrity.  Looking at this book, the way of integrity by Martha Beck. 

So in the last episode, if you haven't listened to that yet, I would recommend going back and checking out that first episode where we talk about the first step to getting back to integrity. And this is really about being honest with yourself about how lost you are.  So if you're in denial, if you are saying, Hey, things are fine. 

They're. They're fine. It's okay. It's not that bad. But you're lying to yourself and lying to your loved ones. Then that is the first step to getting back to integrity is to admit to yourself. That things are not where you want them to be. And particularly when it comes to addiction, this is about admitting to yourself that you have a problem. Admitting to yourself that the things that you're doing and engaged in are not actually moving your life forward and maybe harming your life in some ways, harming your relationships, your productivity, your sense of purpose, whatever it is. Coming to that place of honesty within yourself.  So that's the first step.  Today, we're going to explore this second step, which is looking more closely at your strategy of life. Like really looking into.  What has gotten you to this place? 

What is the. 

Strategy that you've been using in your life to try to find happiness, to try to find that sense of inner fulfillment. And to assess whether or not it's actually working for you.

So there is a quote from this book. That I really love. And so I'm just going to. Read it to you and, A fair warning. I will be reading quite a bit from this book. So again, a disclaimer that I did not write this book, if there's any copyright issues. Please don't Sue me. If you are Martha Beck. But there's just so many.  Golden nuggets in this book that I wanted to bring it to you guys today, but I highly recommend picking up the book and reading it. Along with me because it's just full of wisdom.  So there's this quote in the book. And this is in chapter two and it goes like this. 

She says my friends Sonia once came up with some useful advice for men who would like to improve their performance in the bedroom.  Here's a hint. She said. If whatever you're doing, isn't working. Don't do it harder.  Now, this might be a funny way to look at improving your performance in the bedroom. 

It's probably very true that if whatever you're doing in the bedroom, isn't working. Don't do it harder. But we can look at that in the context of our life as well. If what you're doing in life, isn't working for you.  It probably doesn't make sense to do it harder.  I will be the first to admit that there are situations where if, what you're doing, isn't working, you actually should just do it harder and that might get it to work. I'm trying to open a can of pickles or a jar of pickles. 

Sometimes you just need to put in a little bit more elbow grease, a little bit more muscle, and you will get it open. But there are many more categories of things where if the thing you're doing isn't working, it doesn't make sense to do it harder.  And so here.  Martha Beck explains it like this. She says 

this is like waking up behind the wheel of the car, realizing you've drifted off the highway. And flooring the gas pedal in response. When we realize we're off course, the best thing we can do is slow down or even stop in our tracks.  So this idea, I love this imagery of you fall asleep at the wheel and imagine waking up and realizing that you've drifted off course, you've drifted off the road.  And actually thinking, okay. 

The solution here is to put my foot on the gas pedal even harder. And this is what we do in life. This is what, how we find ourselves in addiction. Is we implement some strategy for finding happiness for finding success.  And it doesn't bring us the results we want. And so we doubled down on the strategy, we say, okay, let me just try even harder.  And it still doesn't bring us the happiness we want. 

This is what I noticed for myself. When I was in college and starting to recognize my porn addiction and some of the other habits and behaviors.  I was realizing that the things I was doing that I thought would bring me happiness. Weren't actually bringing me happiness. Having more sex in one night stands having. More nights going out and drinking and partying and getting blackout drunk. 

None of those things were actually working for me.  And I didn't yet, I kept doing them at some point. I started to see, Hey, this strategy of mine, isn't working. So Martha Beck goes on to say in chapter two, she says, listen, The problem. Isn't how hard you're working. It's that you're working on things that aren't right for. You.  For me, this is such a powerful insight to recognize that you might actually be going after the wrong things.  Because most of our life. We have all these signals from culture, from movies, from society, from our physiology. 

So many things that.  Put us down certain paths and we follow them blindly without ever taking the time to stop and assess. Is this the right path for me? Is it a path that's worth following? Is it a path that if I. Get all the way to the top of this mountain. Is it actually going to bring me happiness?  It's crazy how much we fail to stop and really think about that question. Is the path I'm on going to bring me the happiness that I desire.  And you should substitute the word happiness for  whatever word that you prefer. 

Whether it's inner peace. Or fulfillment or joy or meaning, whatever it is. Thinking about what you truly desire, what you truly yearn for in life.  And is the path you're on. I'm going to get you there. This is what this second chapter is about is exploring.  The path that you're on the mountain that you're climbing. For some of us, this can be obvious, we might realize, Hey, watching more porn, isn't going to bring me happiness. But these might be more subtle as well, climbing the corporate ladder or having some external materialistic signifier of success might be the thing that we're after. And it might be something that society applauds and society celebrates. 

And so it might be harder to see the error of our ways in that way. 

For example, one of the things I was dealing with was when I was in college, I was very much a straight a student. I was setting the curve. And a lot of my classes, I was at the top of my class.  And I was addicted to that success and I just kept thinking if I was just the smartest student, if I just got the best grades, then I could finally be happy.  And it was so interesting because I started off as a very average student. 

I was getting a couple CS in certain classes. And I kept working harder and getting better and better grades. I started getting straight A's. And then at some point I, I started ACEing some of the exams, getting the top score and the exams. I ended up graduating with, I think, 14. A pluses in different courses that I had taken graduated with highest honors, all these things. And no matter what level I got to, it never felt good enough. 

Even if I was the top of the class, it was like, I still needed to be better.  And that was one of the things that made me realize, Hey, this path that I'm on, isn't actually bringing me. The happiness that I want.  Because I keep achieving these things and they don't actually. Have any sense of lasting fulfillment to them? This is what this chapter is about, is starting to look at. What your north star is, what is the thing that you're after? 

Or are you just after more distraction? More sense, pleasure. More. Sex and good food and money and external validation.  Not that any of these things are wrong to enjoy them in moderation, but is that your north star? Are you believing this lie? That if I just had more of X, Y, or Z, Then I would be happy. This is what this chapter is about in terms of finding your path to integrity is just starting to. Really critically examine your strategy for happiness. Is it actually working.  So then the question becomes, once you start to look at this question, Hey, this strategy that I'm applying, employing for happiness, isn't actually working. Then the question becomes.  How do we find a new strategy? 

How do we find a new path?  And this is where the following the subsequent chapter in the book starts to explore the concept of meeting the teacher.  And in the book of Dante and the story of Dante, what this book follows. In the divine comedy.  Dante ends up meeting a teacher. He meets the dead poet, Virgil and Virgil ends up being his teacher and his guide through these different. And these realms and his journey, his adventure. But in. In different ways. 

We all end up meeting our teacher in some way, and it might be a real physical person. It might be that we meet our teacher through books. Through philosophy through experiences, teachers can come in all shapes and sizes and forms. In my life and my experience, a lot of my teachers came in through reading and through the Buddhist tradition. So I found a lot of comfort in kind of the secular nature of Buddhist philosophy because I wasn't ever religious and.  It was helpful to have a framework for happiness that people had studied the concept of wellbeing and fulfillment and happiness, but in a very secular way, there was no belief system. You don't have to believe in any gods or deities or how the universe started. 

It was just a framework for living. A good life. Life with wisdom and compassion. And so my teachers showed up in that way. But for you to just explore, like where are you going to get your teachers? And chances are, they've already shown up. Podcasts, this podcast might be one of them. There might be other podcasts that you listen to. 

There might be books that you've read that have really changed your life and made you reflect on these deeper questions in life.  An important note to be aware of when looking for what you might call a teacher. Is that a teacher really is there to help you. Look at things in a different way to provide a fresh perspective and to challenge some of your ways of being in some of your ways of living. So there's this quote from the book that I like Martha Beck says.  About sole teachers. 

She says, they'd rattle our cages. They make us uneasy. They confiscate our sedatives.  And so to think about it in this way. You know that the role of a teacher sometimes is to be compassionate and comforting. But sometimes it is to shake our cages, to rattle us, to make us feel uneasy. To challenge us to be better, to challenge us, to think in a different way. And I love this last part to confiscate our sedatives.  In the addiction space, this is. This is what it's about. 

We use these sedatives, these things to numb us out. And a good teacher, a soul teacher will confiscate your sedative. They will help you wake up to your reality rather than numb out to it.  

There's another note in this chapter that Martha Beck gives us, which is to make sure that whatever teacher you find, whatever path you follow it is guiding you back to your own internal wisdom.  So to not, join some cult in some guru who says, if you just worship them, they'll. Solve all your problems. You should find a teacher that helps you tap into your own internal wisdom. So there's a quote from three Nisargadatta Maharaj who says the outer teacher is merely a milestone.  It is only your inner teacher that will walk with you to the goal. For he or she is the goal. So the goal here is to cultivate your own inner teacher, your own inner wisdom. 

That is what we're after here is to find the answers within.  And a good soul teacher, whether it comes in the form of books or podcasts or YouTube channels, or, travel adventures, whatever it is, we'll help you find that internal wisdom.  

So that is all I really want to say about these next couple of chapters in the book. This is really again about exploring. What is the strategy that you're using to find happiness? 

What is the path that you're on? And starting to examine it critically and assess if you need a different path and then starting to explore some other pathways out there.  So that is it for today. I hope you found this helpful and useful. Signing off from a gray day here in Amsterdam. We'll catch you guys on the next episode.