93. 'The Way of Integrity' Part 4: Why Telling Lies is Keeping You Stuck; The Power of Honesty in Addiction Recovery

In this riveting episode of 'Unhooked: The Breaking Porn Addiction Podcast,' host Jeremy Lipkowitz delves into the continuation of 'The Way of Integrity' series based on Martha Beck's exploration of Dante's journey in 'The Divine Comedy.' Jeremy discusses the sins of incontinence, violence, fraud, and betrayal as outlined in the Inferno, drawing parallels to modern-day issues such as porn addiction. Highlighting the importance of honesty and integrity, he introduces the 'No Lie Challenge,' encouraging listeners to embrace truthfulness to facilitate personal growth and recovery. Tune in for an insightful discussion on self-awareness, confrontation of inner demons, and the arduous journey towards integrity and wholeness.

00:00 Introduction to the Breaking Point Addiction Podcast

00:22 Host's Personal Update: Bangkok Edition

00:49 Exploring the Way of Integrity Series

01:41 Dante's Journey Through the Inferno

04:07 The Sins of Incontinence and Their Impact

04:47 The Deeper Levels of Hell: Violence, Fraud, and Betrayal

07:08 The Consequences of Lying and Betrayal

10:08 The Path to Recovery: Honesty and Integrity

20:41 The No Lie Challenge: A Practical Exercise

24:25 Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks


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ABOUT JEREMY LIPKOWITZ

Jeremy overcame addiction, shame, self-judgement, and depression in his early twenties with the help of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness not only helped him let go of destructive behaviors, it also allowed him to connect with deeper meaning and purpose in his life.

For the past 10 years Jeremy has been teaching mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices at universities, recovery centers, and companies throughout Asia and the US. He holds a Bachelors and Master’s degree in Genetics and Genomics, and spent several years at Duke University working towards a PhD in Genetics & Systems Biology before he turned full-time to teaching mindfulness.

Jeremy is also an ICF certified Executive Coach. As a former scientist and academic, Jeremy has a great passion for bringing his EI based coaching skills into the corporate and professional world. He realizes how powerful & transformative these practices can be for skeptics and senior-level managers. He is known for his calm and grounded demeanor, his expertise in habits and high-performance, and his compassionate approach to transformation.

Transcript

 You're listening to unhooked the breaking point addiction podcast. On today's episode,

looking at the ways in which we cause our own suffering and the ways that we are out of integrity. And then how do we break through to the other side? How do we start living? That path of integrity and walking the journey to integrity. So stay tuned. 



So welcome ladies and gentlemen, back to another episode of unhooked. 

I'm your host, Jeremy Lipkowitz. This time, the Bangkok edition. I am back in Asia. Back in Bangkok. And I am recording this from my new apartment, which I am super excited about. I'm absolutely loving it here. 

I've been enjoying every moment of being back. And you will likely hear me talking more about my life here in Bangkok, over the next few episodes.  Onto today's topic, which is the way of integrity series we're continuing on by exploring this book by Martha Beck. If you haven't yet listened to the first three parts of this series, please go back and start at episode one.  This whole journey will make so much more sense. 

If you start at the beginning.  And again, this comes from the work of Martha Beck who is using the divine comedy. This ancient book as a way to explore the journey of transformation. And this is a transformation that we can use as a metaphor for many things of art in our life. One of which is getting back to integrity. 

It can be spiritual transformation. It can be habit transformation. All the things that you might want to look at in your life of transforming and changing your life for the better.  Brief recap of where we've been. Again, this is following the journey of Dante as he finds himself or wakes up in the dark wood of error. He realizes his life is not where he wants it to be. 

That things have gotten off course for him.  And he begins his journey into the Inferno with the help of his teacher, the poet Virgil. He descends into the Inferno where he needs to journey. If he wants to reach. The peak of integrity, the peak of happiness. He has to first go into the depths of hell. So that is where we left off. 

Last time we started looking at some of the ways in which we get ourselves into the Inferno, the ways that we're out of alignment.  And in the episode today, we're going to be continuing that exploration.  Going down and exploring these different levels of the Inferno. And in particular and what's most relevant for all of you listeners exploring, how do we break through, how do we. Reach the other side and ascend into the realm of purgatory, where we start to cleanse ourselves. And this might all sound very religious and moralistic. 

If you are a listener of this podcast, you know that I am not a very religious person. And it's a nice to use this old story, but obviously it comes from the 12th century or 13th century. Whenever it was when the, the author was a very religious person. So there's a lot of religious. Imagery and metaphors and things like that, but just know that you don't have to be a religious person to benefit from this story.  So diving in to the wave integrity part for. 

So what's interesting to look at here is, as we explore. Dante's journey into the different levels of hell in there. Tiered levels. So there's levels one through nine and each level represents a different kind of sin that these people in the Inferno. Have committed in their life and it's helpful for us to 

just to look at the ways in which you might have gotten out of integrity. And so it might be through something like lust or greed or gluttony. These ancient seven deadly sins  but what's very interesting. And I'm just picking up the things from this book that really resonate the most with me and resonate with the journey of addiction recovery. What's interesting here is that the first six levels of hell or the Inferno?  R. Kind of. I don't want to say mediocre, but they're called the sins of incontinence, which are the things that we don't even realize. Were doing that are causing us harm. 

Greed. Gluttony and lust. These are things that we don't might not realize are causing us a lot of suffering. But when you get down to the last layers, seven, eight, and nine, this is where they start to get. More serious in the eyes of the book, the journey. Dante. And so to explore these, I'm just going to jump ahead. 

The seventh layer is violence. And so this is the ways that we commit violence to other people and to ourselves. So here you might be reflecting on the ways that your porn addiction is an act of violence against yourself. The ways that it might be perpetrating violence against others. We know there's a connection between. Porn and sex trafficking and ways that we don't necessarily see, but it's just interesting to reflect on that in your own life, the ways that you might be engaged in violence of some sort.  Moving down to now the eighth and ninth layer. 

And this is where things get really interesting. It's where we get to the depths of hell. And what's very fascinating is that as Martha Beck describes these last two layers are reserved for liars.  It's very fascinating because we might think that, murder and this kind of stuff is. Is the worst thing you can do. But in the words of Martha Beck and in the story of Dante, the worst sins are the sins of lying.  And so the seventh seventh is violence. 

The eighth level is what is called fraud. When we might be. Scheming or cheating people. And then the ninth level is betrayal. So these levels eight and nine are about fraud and betrayal. And this is really about the ways that we lie to people.  That we cheat them. That we're frauds that we betray other people.  And it's interesting, that something that might seem so small. Is the last layer of Helen, what Martha Beck says about this? 

It says, okay, why is lying the very last layer?  And she says lying is insidious, partly because it's so small. So common, so nearly invisible. And lying enables every other type of evil.  So it's fascinating to think about, that. Something so small and so common is so nearly invisible. Something that we maybe all engage with.  That this is actually what enables all the other types of evil that when we're not honest, When we're lying to ourselves and we're lying to others when we're betraying ourselves and betraying others, this is what really enables all the other kinds of evil and allows other kinds of people to continue.  So this episode is really going to be exploring the ways that we can perpetrate this fraud and betrayal in our own lives, through acting out with porn, through acting out with. Lying about it to our loved ones and ourselves. The ways that we're engaged in this fraud and betrayal.  And this makes me reflect, what's interesting about porn addiction. Is that it's not actually the porn and using porn. 

That's the most damaging for most people. It's actually the ways that we end up lying or cheating or betraying our loved ones, that's the most damaging. So partners of people with porn addiction. Often talk about this, that it's not the actual act of using point. That's the most damaging or hurtful. 

It's the betrayal. It's the lighting. It's the sorry, the lying and the hiding. The ways that we hide these behaviors from our loved ones that is so damaging.  And one of the deep problems with this kind of lying behavior, is that it. Makes it so that we can't even trust ourselves. This is a quote from the book. 

Martha Beck says. And talking about when we are engaged in lying or hiding. She says we live in a foggy world where nothing we experienced feels trustworthy or reliable because we ourselves aren't trustworthy or reliable. So just to think about that, if you are constantly engaged in lying about your behaviors in hiding your behaviors from other people in not being authentic, not being real. Then what this creates is it creates a reality. 

It creates a world of fogginess and murkiness where you feel that everything is not trustworthy. It's not reliable. Because inherently you don't feel trustworthy or reliable. This is one of the deep pains that is caused by lying and hiding. The other pain as I've talked about on the podcast is when you don't get to experience the bliss of blamelessness, when you are engaged in lying and hiding and. And acting out in these ways.  There's no chance of being at peace inside. When you are hiding a part of who you are. And engaged in things you're not proud of and keeping those secrets from loved ones. It's impossible to be deeply at peace.  So lying also leads to health issues. 

This is another quote from the book. Martha says lying and keeping secrets have been linked to heart disease. Certain cancers and a host of emotional symptoms like depression, anxiety, and free floating hostility.  I'm not entirely sure what free-floating hostility is by guesses. It's this sense of hostility. 

That's not directed towards anyone in particular, but just out there in. In the ether. Just hostile towards anyone and everyone around you.  So these are some of the.  Issues that we become. Challenged to face and confront. When we're in this process of recovering from porn addiction or any way that you might be out of integrity. 

Again, this book is such a beautiful exploration of. Any way that you're out of integrity, but for our case, when we're looking at porn addiction, the ways that we isolate, the ways that we hide. The ways that we separate ourselves from our loved ones and keep secrets. There's just so much damage there.  So in this book, It also explores, this practice of looking at. Why we lie, what is at the root of the reasons that we keep secrets from people? 

Why we hiding this from others? And then you can take porn addiction. As an example or anything. That you might be hiding from people or lying about. So maybe take a moment right now. Just think about the last thing you lied about. Some secret you kept, maybe it was some behavior you engaged in that you didn't want to tell someone.  They asked you a question and you didn't want them to know the truth.  And then to look at the root of that. Why do we lie?  And almost every lie can be driven by some version of this belief that I am not lovable.  Or that if the truth were to be found out, I would be abandoned. I would be unloved.  And so to just see. The underlying tension there, the reason that we might be hiding these behaviors from people. Is the fear of being left alone.  

And so this is, very useful just to have this self-awareness of some of the behaviors here at play, when you're engaged in porn addiction or anything else. Why are you hiding? Why are you lying? You might feel that if you were to tell the truth, it would just cause too much harm.  And this is something to really look at, which is.  Maybe it would cause a lot of harm if you told the truth, but what harm is being caused by lying?  That is something we have to start to ask ourself in this practice of recovery.  So in this journey, Dante with his teacher, the poet Virgil, he starts descending through the different levels of hell and he gets to this bottom level.  And it's a really fascinating exploration because they get to the very bottom level and it's not, as we usually think of hell as being this hot Inferno, but at the very bottom level is it's cold and it's an icy lake. 

And in the middle of this icy frozen lake is Lucifer the devil, this monster that's frozen waist high in this icy lake. And it's described that he has these three heads. He's. These three headed monster and he's chomping off the heads of these these three people, two of them are Roman commanders who had betrayed Julius Caesar. And the third is a Judas who had  betrayed. 

Jesus Christ. So again, as the people who had caused the most betrayal in their life What's interesting then to explore in this journey is that. Dante, when he gets to this level, he sees Lucifer. He sees this horrible image of, this monstrous devil chomping away at. The heads of these. These people and he gets terrified and he doesn't know how to continue.  And his teacher Virgil, he says, keep going. Keep going down and.  Dante doesn't know what to do. 

He's like we're at the bottom. I don't know what that means to keep going down. And so Virgil shows him what he does is he then walks over to Lucifer climbs onto his body on grabs his hair, grabs his head.  And it's then it said he starts descending down the body of Lucifer.  And he starts climbing down the body and climbing down into the water. And when he gets to the waist level of Lucifer, he has to then turn around and he starts climbing upward up the legs of Lucifer. 

So what's interesting that this is like when you get to the center of the earth. And gravity has changed directions. And so you have to then start ascending up the legs. And it is through this portal. That they reach out of the Inferno and into purgatory. So they finally escape the Inferno. And this brings me back to the last episode where we talked about how the only way out is through.  That if you want to escape the Inferno. You have to go through the only way is to go through the experience to confront the demons, to. Move through the experience rather than running away, rather than trying to escape or avoid or. Procrastinate, you have to go into the suffering into the depths. And so this is the most beautiful portrayal of that is that you have to really climb onto the body of Lucifer. And descend into the icy depths of the lake, such a beautiful image that I really love it.  So then we reach into purgatory 

and so this is in the chapter of the book called beginning the cleanse. And so just for some context here, purgatory. Comes from that word, purge to purge and to purge means to cleanse. And this is where, as Martha Beck says, purgatory is the place where repentant souls cleanse themselves of an error. And ultimately attain perfection.  And so purgatory is this place where we start to cleanse ourselves. 

We start to remove the baggage and get rid of the. Things that cause us suffering. Now what's interesting here again and relevant. To the practice of recovery. As Dante went into the Inferno, it started, the initial levels of hell or levels of the Inferno were not too bad. They were easy and. The deeper, he went into hell the harder it got, the more extreme and got the more suffering and terror was there. 

As you descended into the Inferno.  And purgatory is. The opposite. It's the opposite direction. So when you start in purgatory, it's very challenging as you start to climb up this mountain. It's steep. It's, Ragged cliffs and it's hard to walk. And Martha Beck has this beautiful saying, she says, 

in purgatory, the pattern is reversed. Learning to walk. The walk of integrity is arduous at first. Effortless by the end.  And this is true with recovery as well. When we start to walk on the path of recovery, It is arduous. At first, it is challenging. It is difficult.  But as we go along, by the end of it, it gets effortless. 

This is one of the things that I tell to my clients and the people in the unhooked community is that you will get to a point in your recovery where you no longer have to struggle. You no longer have to fight to stay away from porn. You don't even think about it anymore. It's not even. An option of something that you think about doing it just doesn't even cross your mind. And this is what recovery is about. 

In the beginning you do have to put in a lot of work and a lot of effort. But over time, it gets easier and easier. Where it becomes effortless by the end.  So the question then becomes, what is the pathway out of purgatory? What is the pathway up the mountain?  And here, Martha Beck says this. The instruction for your next step is the ultimate self-help strategy. The one practice that could end all your suffering and get you all the way to happiness.  Stop lying.  Stop lying. 

It's so simple, but there's so much beauty in that as well. And in so many different recovery systems. I think this is true in 12 step programs. It's true. In my recovery group. The core foundation. The core ground rule is honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and with others, if you don't have honesty,  You'll never actually change your ways if. If you lie to yourself, if you lie to your loved ones,  You can't really make any changes  and you have to start with that commitment to honesty, to being truthful about your actions. At the very least to yourself. If you are in denial to yourself about your problems. Then there's nothing you can do. So you have to, at the very least start being true to yourself and start being honest with yourself.  And so this next chapter in the book really explores that practice of. Of not lying anymore. 

If being honest. And there's so much here, again, just a reminder. I would recommend picking up this book and reading it because there are so many beautiful stories and examples in this book and I cannot do it justice, and there's just so much. Beauty in the way that Martha Beck writes. The personal example she brings in some of which are just really emotional. A really dramatic. Stories from her own life. 

So I would highly recommend.  Picking up the book and reading it. And I'm again, just giving you the highlights that I have.  

So this exploration now is to, again, look at the ways that you might be lying or hiding. Or betraying yourself, betraying others. And then. The beginning of this practice of recovery starts by making that commitment to stop lying. 

In the book, Martha Beck talks about how the truth will set you free. That when you start telling the truth, when you stop hiding. It will present some challenging situations. It will present some situations where you might upset some people you might. Cause some people harm. 

You might be harmed yourself by telling the truth. But there is a freedom in telling the truth. That once you start doing it and you start feeling the ease of being in integrity by telling the truth. It's just so powerful. Martha Beck says this in the book. She says when they stopped lying, these people often experienced some chaotic life changes. But they also feel the benefits of truth-telling.  They become physically and emotionally stronger, healthier, and more peaceful. When you make that commitment. Your whole life will change when you really commit to it. 

Not a half-hearted commitment. When you fully commit to saying, I am going to be in integrity and I will tell the truth, even if it hurts.  That is the beginning of recovery. 

So there's a practice here at the end of the chapter. Which Martha Beck caused the no lie challenge.  And this is a beautiful practice that I would recommend for you to try on, which is to pick a time period. For your nol-i challenge and Martha Beck suggests one week minimum. But there is no maximum, you might pick a week. 

You might pick a month. You might pick six months, you might pick a year, but to pick some amount of time. And to commit to not lying for that entire time.  So that is step one is committing to that time. Period. Step two obviously is to not lie at all for that period of time.  Step three is to keep a journal where you write about what you experienced, what you notice. In this challenge in this commitment period, if it's for a week, if it's for a month to write out and journal about what are you noticing by. Telling the truth and not telling lies.  And then, you can also journal about if things get tough, if it gets challenging, what is that 

what are you experienced there? Are there times where you're tempted to lie?  And then if you do lie, this is step four. She says, if you do light, don't stop you challenge. Forgive yourself then recommit to not lying until the challenge is over.  So just to know, there might be times where you slip up. Where you tell a lie, either intentionally or accidentally.  And to not stop the challenge to just forgive yourself and then keep moving forward. This is the no lie challenge. 

And if you are listening to this podcast, whether you are.  Dealing with porn addiction and recovery for that. Whether you are listening to this, just out of curiosity, whether you're dealing with anything else. No matter where you are in life. Whether or not recovery is an interest for you at all.  To try this out. The biggest thing you can do to start living more in integrity. Is to start being honest and authentic. To stop telling lies to yourself, to stop telling lies to other people.  And to see how that affects your life. 



Martha Beck warns.... 

She says there are times where you might feel like you're lying with silence. Or with actions that might not include any words. So just to notice, there might be some gray areas that you might not have realized were lies. But they might feel out of integrity. They might still feel like lying. 

So for example,  There might be a situation where you haven't said anything, but by not saying something. You are in a sense lying, and you're hiding the truth and just hoping the person doesn't ask you. But that is out of integrity. And only you will know when those times are and what those areas are. There's a lot of gray areas and you'll just have to feel for yourself, but this is the practice of starting to get in tune with your nervous system, with your internal system of when am I out of integrity. When am I. Telling lies. And not speaking my truth. 

So I want to end with one final quote from the book. Is this something that Martha. Beck wrote in the book. And when I read it, it just gave me goosebumps because it was so powerful.  She says this, she says, get honest. Get help.  Kill all cowardice. And keep moving.  

Get honest. Get help.  Kill all cowardice. And keep moving.  That is a powerful motivation for how to move along in your journey of recovery. Move along in your journey of getting into integrity, to get honest, to get help. To kill all cowardice and keep moving.  



So that is all I want to say for today. I hope that you enjoyed this episode as always, if you want to support the show, please leave a review wherever you are listening, or consider sharing this with your friend. 

Don't forget to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss out on any episodes.  So that is it for today, signing off from a beautiful Bangkok. We'll catch you on the next episode.