104. How Mindfulness Helps in Healing and Recovery – Mastering Meditation Series, Part 1

Mindfulness Meditation for Overcoming Porn Addiction: Insights and Practices

In this episode, part one of a special two-part series from the live recordings of the Porn Resilient Marriage Summit, Taylor Chambers is joined by Jeremy Lipkowitz, a porn addiction recovery coach and experienced meditation teacher. They delve into the transformative power of mindfulness meditation for managing cravings and intense emotions related to porn addiction. The discussion covers the importance of mindfulness, its benefits over traditional recovery approaches, and practical steps to incorporate it into daily life. Jeremy leads a guided mindfulness meditation session, offering listeners a firsthand experience of its benefits. Additional resources, including a discounted course and a group coaching program, are also provided for those seeking further support.

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Shownotes:

00:00 Introduction to the Series

00:34 Special Offers and Announcements

01:37 Welcome and Guest Introduction

03:10 The Importance of Mindfulness

03:57 Mindfulness in Addiction Recovery

08:03 Practical Mindfulness Techniques

19:25 Guided Mindfulness Meditation

33:41 Post-Meditation Reflections

36:40 Closing Remarks and Resources

Transcript

   a lot of addiction is running away from experiences we don't want to be with.

We feel boredom. We don't want to be with it. And so we run away into the addiction. We feel lust and we don't like that feeling. So we want to, you know, get rid of it by acting on it. And so learning how to sit with unpleasant emotions is a huge part of recovery. And that's kind of what we're going to be doing in mindfulness is we sit down, we pay attention to things just as they are without pushing away the unpleasant experiences or trying to grasp after or hold on to the pleasant experiences. 

On today's episode part, one of a special two part series from the live recordings of the porn resilient marriage summit. I'm once again, joined by Taylor chambers. This time to explore the transformative power of mindfulness meditation in overcoming point addiction. We dive into why mindfulness is essential. How it helps manage cravings and intense emotions. And it's advantages over some traditional psychological approaches to recovery. Plus in this episode, I'll be guiding a mindfulness meditation session to help you experience its benefits firsthand. As a special bonus for podcast listeners, I'm offering a limited time, $100 discount on my 14 day training guide. 

Mindfulness made easy. The offer expires at midnight on October 31st. So don't miss out and sign up today. The link to the discounted course is in the show notes area. Or you can go to my website and use the code mindful out the checkout page. 

In other news, if you're looking for support in overcoming porn addiction or unwanted porn news. Please sign up for a free discovery call to see if the unhooked academy group coaching program is a good fit for you. In the community, we host weekly live coaching calls. We have a private online community forum. And a support network and access to the unhooked academy training modules. If you sign up right now, you'll get lifetime access to the course and the community. So don't hesitate. And now without further ado, let's dive into part one of the meditation series.

Okay. Hey, welcome everyone. I'm super excited for this. Um, I'm a, a big fan of mindfulness if it's something you can be a fan of and I'm really excited to share a mindful moment with everyone. And, uh, particularly to, to share it with Jeremy. So Jeremy, thanks for being here, man. Um, I forgot to mention this earlier, but would you mind giving a brief introduction of yourself, uh, for any of those who haven't seen your interview yet? 

Sure. Yeah. So I'm a porn addiction recovery coach. Um, that's what I mainly focus on these days. Um, I have also been a meditation teacher for the past 10 years or so. Uh, spent some time as a Buddhist monk in Myanmar. And I also have a background in genetics, so I kind of bring together science and spirituality a bit, um, but really focus on the porn addiction recovery work as it's part of my own story.

So  that's who I am and what I do. 

Yeah, yeah. Well, you're the perfect guy for this space right here right now. Um, I'm glad we could connect and make this one happen. So,  um, today we will do a mindfulness meditation. We'll talk a bit about. mindfulness right now. Um, and then in a couple of days, we'll do a love and kindness meditation, um, which are two different styles of meditation.

And then last time Jeremy and I were chatting, um, I kind of learned even some of the, the underlying differences, not just a different approach for the same thing, but, um, so that'll be interesting to explore, uh, next time as well.  Okay, cool. Um, so  I wanted to just spend a couple of minutes exploring why I think mindfulness is so important.

Um, why it's something that I emphasize and why, you know, so many other people are emphasizing it. Um, it's still feel, it's in this interesting place where It's becoming much more widespread, but I still feel like as a culture,  you know, like Western culture broadly, and even within our little, uh, culture of, uh, porn addiction recovery, we're still getting familiar with it.

We're still trying to figure out what exactly it is that we're talking about here. Um, so hopefully this is gonna, you know, be valuable and helpful. So Jeremy's interview, um, is worth checking out because we go into depth on kind of what that is. Um, but one of the things that I've been thinking about with mindfulness recently is that  You'll hear all the time that pornography is just the symptom, um, of a deeper problem.

And so, you know, everyone is trying to go after the root cause. Um, and in the discussion panel we talked about that today and, um, dug into that.  From a few different points of view of like, what exactly is meant by root cause. And so we talked about things like trauma, even intergenerational trauma. We talked about things like, um,  uh, simply, um, the nature of pornography being something to get hooked on.

Um, so even if there isn't a background of trauma, early exposure or frequent exposure, Particularly when we're young, it can just really set a habit. Um, and you know, other things that we're taking a look at in terms of like, what's the root of this? Uh, attachment, um, theory is another lens. Um, but for me, you know, my understanding of mindfulness Is like the roots kind of just right there in this like moment by moment experience and it's a, it's, it's kind of like this non Freudian way of looking at it.

Freud, we're kind of trying to like dig into the subconscious and unpack what's there and figure it all out. And, you know, I, I do some of that and I don't do Freud stuff directly, but, you know, we do the exploration, the interpretation of what's going on. Um, but sometimes what, what seems to help us most is just to cut to the quick of like. 

Let's forget the history, let's forget all the stories, let's forget all the, the trauma. And just in this moment, what's happening right now that moves us from one step of our conditioning to the next step, which then of course sets us up for the very next step.  And if we can start to really gain an observational awareness of how our automatic conditioning unfolds, we start to find these little choice points.

Um, that of, you know, kind of where we could branch off and do something slightly different  and I've loved mindfulness. I mean, even, um, for example, in work related to grief and anger and other things, um, I love the principle of mindfulness mindfulness meditation. The practice is to sustain concentration. 

It's kind of like this aspiration that's hard to achieve. And so most of the practice is actually just returning our concentration to the intention.  And that kind of returning after we've strayed just as many times as is necessary,  has really been illuminating for me in like, Okay, I got angry. I don't need to go on a project of figuring out why that's a part of my character, you know, where that came from in the past, and what I need to do therefore to prevent all future occurrences of anger, you know, like, I can just bypass all of that and just like, hey, that was a moment.

I'm a little more conscious right now. I'm going to engage right now in the most resourceful way I can.  So I'm talking, some of that is the mindful observation and then some of that stepping out of that in back into proactive action.  But I really wanted to offer that as a potential route for viewers to be exploring, you know, what is it that might be pulling you Through the, the thread of it starts here with this trigger, you know, then we go through these, you know, pre acting out behaviors we act out and then we feel crappy and then we get back on the wagon and recommit to recovery or whatever.

And just wherever we're out there, if we can be pausing and looking at  what is the pull from this step to the next, I think there's going to be a lot there. So, um, I wanted to offer that as a, as an angle on mindfulness and why it kind of matters in general. So Jeremy, any, any thoughts or any, any other things that you want to share about mindfulness as it relates to this recovery business? 

Yeah, there's so much good in what you said. Um,  and I really love the, you know, kind of the talking about how we don't have to go into this Freudian approach, you know, to understand where everything comes from. We can just go straight to the source, which is, okay, what's going on in my mind right now. And that's a lot of what mindfulness is, is really understanding.

the dynamics of the mind and how it's reacting to certain experiences here and now. Um, for my own recovery, I didn't actually do any kind of inner child work or any trauma exploration, so it's not necessary to recover. You know, what is necessary is to go to the root of the addiction, which is that craving, that thirst, that wanting to act out.

One just other tidbit that I'll say about mindfulness  in particular, like part of it is this learning how to come back. You know, the concentration part where we get lost and then we learn how to just start again. And that's a very important part. There's one other really important part to mindfulness, which is the way that we're relating to whatever's happening, which is the quality of our attention.

And that's really important for mindfulness, which is Can we actually make space for whatever experience is arising? And that's particularly important around different emotions. You know, if there's restlessness, if there's boredom, if there's anxiety, can we actually notice those emotions without pushing them down or running away from them or trying to suppress them, but actually making space for that experience, because 

  📍 

a lot of addiction is running away from experiences we don't want to be with. 

We feel boredom. We don't want to be with it. And so we run away into the addiction. We feel lust and we don't like that feeling. So we want to, you know, get rid of it by acting on it. And so learning how to sit with unpleasant emotions is a huge part of recovery. And that's kind of what we're going to be doing in mindfulness is we sit down, we pay attention to things just as they are without pushing away the unpleasant experiences or trying to grasp after or hold on to the pleasant experiences. 

So, I just wanted to add that in because it's a really, it's a nuanced part of mindfulness, but a really important part of mindfulness. 

I love that. I like, I'm thinking of yesterday, my wife had this moment of just like overwhelm and just like frustration. And I immediately  couldn't tolerate it. And just like, shoot, you know, like, all right, fine.

Let's all get serious. Hey, everybody, you know, quiet down. You know, like, let's. Let's restore, uh, you know, my, my conditioning is like, you know, she's got to be happy if I'm going to be happy, which is false, but there it is. And then, so I got to like make sure the environment is controlled and all of that.

And, you know,  if I could, like, I, I, I missed that, that space to like settle into that emotion. I think that'll be familiar with people. And I know for a lot of couples I'll talk, and when we're talking about mindful awareness, many people are.  Aware. I mean, I've had so many clients tell me that they're really self aware, which is,  which is sometimes, sometimes feels pretty true and other times not, but either way, how would we ever know if we're self aware or not?

Cause we,  we know as much as we know, and we don't know what we don't know. But, um, but  a lot of times that awareness doesn't have a quality that's useful to it.  And so for example, in couples conflict, it's like, we know exactly how this unfolds. Cause it's easier to watch when you can like. Watch the other person do their, their side of it.

Right? And so I say this, they respond that way. And then he goes away and then I get upset. And then, you know, then we make up and, you know, it takes 3 days or whatever. And they can tell you the blow by blow of an argument,  but what may sometimes be lacking is that quality. So I love that you brought that up of just like, Being able to bring non judgmental awareness to the non judgmental part so hard for us  And then being able to abide in whatever tough emotion is showing up. 

Yeah, there's a great book I forget who wrote it by some Buddhist master. The title of the book is awareness is not enough  

Oh, and it's 

just it's this like wonderful idea Which is so true is that just having awareness isn't the whole You game of it. You know, it's like you can be aware, but still have a very, you know, suppressive attitude towards what you're aware of.

You can say, Oh, I'm aware of my loneliness, but I don't like it. I want to get rid of it. Right. And so with mindfulness, like awareness is the first step. But the second step is saying, can I make space for this experience? Can I actually welcome this experience without trying to run away from it or push it away or hold on to something pleasant? 

Yeah,  I think a lot of my, my lust management training was like, when you notice the lust, you know,  you know, bounce the eyes or, you know, three second rule, or we have these different techniques that were all in some way  aversive rather than  tolerate it. It was like, get rid of it as quickly as we can because it's dangerous and it could blossom into something else.

Right. And. That's it. So it feels really risky to sit with something like lust.  But, you know, that's something that I've learned more and more. Um, I can't say that I've mastered it. Lust is still pretty wild and in character and eroticism in general is like this, this pretty wilderness kind of experience, but, um, but to be able to abide in that and trust that it's, It's an element of the experience, you know, I can contain it, uh, I want to be careful with contain almost sounds like control, but you know, I can, I can abide with it perhaps.

When that's exactly, it's such a thin line between that, you know, it's very nuanced there because it's like, yeah, we do want to actually have some, some self mastery over it and some ability to skillfully work with those emotions.  And a lot of times there can be a hidden aversion or a hidden desire to control it.

But lust is a great example. It's, you know, the phrase that we all know is what we resist persists, right? And so the more you push it away and try to shove it down and say, Oh, this is dangerous, get out of here, right? It just actually grows stronger. It doesn't actually help it. And so the secret key to helping to Work skillfully with those strong emotions is to actually stop resisting them make space for them And then they kind of lose their power over you, 

right? 

They're still there, but they're not in 

control, you know, 

yeah, cool. I love that. Well, let me pitch one question your way  That I know a lot of people ask I think sometimes mindfulness is one of those things where we're not sure what to ask But I know that one question that I've gotten is  How do I start?

And so I think the westernized version, um, and maybe this is more than just the West, I don't know, but like, You know, we've got kind of this, this trend of like, you know, 10 minutes a day off and through an app and just curious on your thoughts on  is that kind of like  dosing and structure  a good starting place is that is that missing the point?

Or is there a better way to get going? Or is that like, yeah,  The, the, the trend. I guess I'm curious if, if you find that it's a helpful one or if it might be, uh, somehow misleading or something along those lines. 

I think it's very helpful, especially if you're following an app, uh, or a course. You know, I, I provided my course in the, the all access bundle.

Um, there's also tons of apps where they follow a certain structure to try to teach you the fundamentals. Mm-Hmm. . And so I think that's a great way to get started, you know, Headspace or calm. Um. You know, if you can do something that actually, what you don't want to do is just kind of do it randomly and just listen to a guided meditation without really trying to understand what you're doing. 

Because what you want to be doing is growing in your ability to actually understand what you're doing in the meditation. Like, what are you applying with your mind? But 10 minutes a day is a great way to get started, you know, especially if that's all you really have.  If you are more motivated and really want to dive deep into this, then a great way would be going on some kind of meditation retreat, where for certain hours per day, over the course of a couple days, you're really diving in deeply.

That's a fantastic way to learn. Um, but, you know, doing an app or a course 10 minutes a day is also fine. 

Yeah, cool. Yeah, it's a, it's one of those things where  we kind of like try and pack it into our existing life, which is, yeah, what else do we do? I mean, that's, that's what we're, that's what we're up to.

Um, but you know, hopefully it starts to seep into more of an overall.  Uh, perspective and overall lifestyle.  

I mean, a great analogy is just like learning a language. Like you can learn a language by spending, you know, 10 minutes a day on, on Duolingo, but you know, your proficiency is not going to be as good as if you do an immersive experience.

If you fly to Spain and spend a month there practicing every minute of every day, you're going to learn much quicker than if you spend 10 minutes a day on an app. Right. So.  If that's all you have, that's the best way to do it. Uh, but if you can do some kind of immersive experience to get started, that's a great way.

Also. 

Yeah, that's, that's a great way to, to put it. So I, uh, I've been thinking more, you mentioned a 10 day retreat to me. And I'm like, I think I'd like  to do that. So, 

yeah, 

I don't know, 

I don't know if this will kind of like go against what I just said, but. When I did my first 10 day retreat, it almost felt like all the meditation I had done up to that, like I didn't actually know what I was doing.

Like I realized after the 10 day retreat that I hadn't really even been meditating. 

Um, 

but that's why I think the quality of meditation instructions has gotten so much better since when I started, you know, and that's why I created my courses because it's so important to learn the fundamentals. Like what are you actually doing?

It's not just  Closing your eyes and trying to block out your thoughts, right? It's not just closing your eyes and thinking about your breath There's actually some nuance there. That's important.  

Yeah, very cool. All right. Well now I've  I thought we were gonna be pretty brief there But I love the discussion So thanks for indulging me there, Jeremy  What I'll say is if we'll jump into a meditation together right now, and then if any are You I'm interested in sharing their experience afterward.

Feel free to chat, um, and let us know. Um, and so I'll be asking about that just a heads up so that you can be paying attention. So,  okay. All right. I'll let you take the reins and I'll,  I'll go along for the ride  

 So it just first in terms of posture, you know, just sitting anywhere you feel comfortable, maybe sitting a little more upright than usual. You know, a good rule of thumb is to see if you can lengthen your spine a bit. And then after you lengthen your spine, maybe relaxing the neck and shoulders.

So finding a nice balance there, but anywhere you feel comfortable is fine.  And then if you feel all right closing your eyes, you can close your eyes,  knowing that you can also keep your eyes open if you prefer. And if you keep your eyes open, just have kind of a soft gaze towards the ground. So you're not looking around. 



  📍 

So closing your eyes or keeping a soft gaze towards the ground,  we can start with just a few grounding, deep breaths. So breathing in deeply. 

And exhaling letting it all out. 

Let's do that one more time. A deep breath in, 

a 

long slow exhale out. 

And then from there starting to just let your breath return to its natural rhythm. 

So letting go of any control of the breath 

and just letting the body breathe itself. 

It's very 

helpful at the start of a meditation practice to  spend a minute or so just checking in with your body  and seeing if there's any tension or tightness 

that you can  Relax or soften. 

So checking in with the muscles in your face. 

Can you ease any tension? 

Relaxing the muscles around the eyes and the eye sockets. 

Relaxing the jaw. 

Letting your shoulders drop  and your hands rest heavy. 

Letting your whole body  feel relaxed  and soft, 

and if possible, see if you can come to a place of stillness in your body. 

See if you can avoid any fidgeting or moving around, 

just letting your body be still. 

And then from this place of stillness, starting to notice your breath. 

Just noticing wherever you feel your breath in your body. 

You might notice the feeling of your belly rising and falling. 

You might notice the feeling of your chest expanding and contracting. 

Or maybe becoming aware of the sensation at the entrance of your nostrils.  Feeling the air coming in and going out. 

Wherever you feel the breath most clearly, just see if you can  gently keep your attention there, 

following the movement of your breath. 

And again, important here to just let the breath be natural.  

This is not a deep breathing 

exercise. 

You're just noticing your breath as it is. 

At some point, you 

might notice that your mind has wandered away from the breath.  And when that happens, you can just very gently 

invite your attention back to the breath. 

Without any self judgment or criticism. 

Very gently coming back. 

Feeling your in breath. 

Feeling your out breath. 

And again, when you notice the mind has wandered  without any judgment,  very gently bring yourself back to just feeling your breath. 

And in the same way that we 

can be aware of the feeling of the breath,  we can also explore getting curious about our emotional 

state  in the present moment. 

So expanding your awareness and just checking out  what emotion is present right now 

without judging it to be good or bad. 

Maybe there's peacefulness,  calm, stress, 

confusion. 

There's no 

wrong answer. You're really just investigating your own experience.  What is here 

right now? 

And if you're not sure what emotion is present,  you can just make space for that,  not knowing. 

And now moving your awareness from your emotional state and opening up to the experience of sounds, tuning 

into the sounds around you. 

What sounds are present in this moment? 

Maybe the sound of birds  or traffic, the 

sound of my voice. 

Can you be aware of the sound of silence? 

Just tuning into what you are aware of in this moment. 

And now bringing your awareness back to your body. 

Becoming aware of your whole body. 

Feeling the general shape or outline of the body. 

Nothing you need to do.  Nowhere you need to go. 

Just being aware. 

And then to bring this practice to a close.  

You can take a deep breath in 

and a long, slow exhale out 

in your own time, gently opening your eyes. 

And you might try stretching if that feels nice,  moving your body around. 

All right, Taylor, back to you.  

Yeah, thanks, Jeremy.  Um, I'll share my experience again. Feel free to chat if you would like to share your experience as well.  Um,  I, uh, I've been doing some unstructured meditations of late and the structure actually felt really helpful.  And so I think that that's something I might need to consider  just those little nudges, um, help me feel a little bit more into,  into the state of it.

Um,  my mind wandered plenty. And so I was. Grateful for this idea of returning that we talked about earlier, um, that felt really, really nice overall, super relaxing, which isn't necessarily the point, but, um, yeah, feeling like,  uh, the phrase of, uh, nowhere to go, nothing to do. That was a pretty big rescue for me.

That was like, oh, yeah, that's nice.  So, 

yeah, yeah, I'd love to speak on that just a little bit that. You know, there's,  it's so easy to get lost in this trap of thinking that a good meditation means a meditation where we're following the breath really closely. And it's really not about the breath. It's not about concentration.

Even that's one of the, maybe the side benefits that can be powerful, but what it really is, is learning how to. Be okay with things as they are. How to make space for whatever experience is arising. So if you're having, you know, lots of thoughts, if you're getting lost in thought, if you can be aware of the fact of being lost in thought and make space for that experience, that's what we're after. 

You know, if you're feeling sleepy, that's what we're after. That doesn't matter. But if you can be aware that you're sleepy and be okay with it, and just say, Oh, I'm sleepy now.  That's the quality of mindfulness that we're looking for. Because that kind of equanimity is what translates into the recovery world really well.

Yeah, this is where we kind of practice the fundamentals. So in, in,  in crucial moments or during our day or any moment during our day, we can draw out these principles or these, these moments. Yeah, when I, I was looking for kind of what's the emotion  and that wasn't really clear and then you offered that idea of like, you know, not knowing is an option here.

And so again, that felt like, oh, okay. Yeah. Not knowing it's part of the experience as well, right? 

Yeah. Yeah, same with sensations. Like if you're trying to explore Okay, what is my what does my breath feel like in this moment? If you can't really feel the breath and the breath is a good one because you can almost always feel it But let's say you're doing some body scan and you're trying to feel okay What is my right thigh feel like if you don't feel anything like you can just be aware of oh Not feeling anything right there and that's okay.

Mm hmm It really is just whatever is there. That's, that's what we're acclimating to. 

Yeah.  

All right, everyone. Well, hopefully, um, you know, this was a, uh, a nice way to practice, um, for some, it might be an introduction, uh, for others, you know, a deepening of your practice, um, and it's not, it's not a common that we get kind of the intro and kind of the outro that we got from Jeremy today.

So hopefully. That sets up and helps us kind of process the experience of meditation. So hope it was a lovely experience for everyone. So, all right. Well, we'll go ahead and close out. But yeah, this in theory is kicking off a good habit for you. So find a source. Check out Jeremy's, um, uh, what's it called?

One more time. As it, uh. 

The Mindfulness Made Easy course. 

Yes, that's the one. Yeah. Mindfulness made easy. Uh, that would be an excellent starting place. So be sure and check that out.  All right. With that, we'll close out and thanks everyone.