105. Why Self-Compassion Is Crucial for Your Recovery – Mastering Meditation Series, Part 2

On today's episode, part 2 of the special two-part series from the Live recordings of the Porn Resilient Marriage Summit. Once again, I’m joined by Taylor Chambers, and this time we’re diving deeper into the powerful practice of loving-kindness meditation, an essential tool for fostering compassion and connection—both with yourself and others—on the journey of overcoming porn addiction.

In this episode we explore the unique aspects of loving-kindness meditation, how it differs from mindfulness, and why developing self-compassion is so crucial in the recovery process. Plus, I'll be guiding a loving-kindness meditation session, helping you experience its transformative benefits firsthand.

As a bonus for podcast listeners, I’m still offering a limited-time $100 discount on my 14-day training guide, Mindfulness Made Easy. The offer is valid until midnight on October 31st, so be sure to take advantage before time runs out! : https://jeremylipkowitz.mykajabi.com/offers/6w4ypimW?coupon_code=MINDFUL

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Shownotes

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:59 The Importance of Community

02:27 Understanding Loving Kindness Meditation

04:25 Jeremy's Insights on Loving Kindness

09:20 Guided Loving Kindness Meditation

24:57 Reflections and Observations

33:21 Closing Remarks and Resources

Transcript

 self loathing can be one of the things that keeps us isolated and keeps us stuck in the addiction that sense of shame and, feeling like we're not good enough. And so learning how to be kind to yourself is so powerful and so important in this practice.

 that's what we're cultivating with a love and kindness practice is that feeling of, genuine well wishing for another person or for ourself. And so we're learning how to actually treat ourself with compassion and with kindness, which is a skill that we need to master.

And so to importantly not forget ourself in that equation, that we can do it for other people, but we also importantly need to do it for ourself.

  📍  📍  📍  

 

  Okay. Hey everyone. Welcome. I'm excited for round two with Jeremy. Makes it sound like a combat thing, but  kind of the opposite anyways. We're talking loving kindness meditation tonight. And  a bit of  why. I wanted to weave in a lot of mindfulness because it's a philosophy that matters a lot to me and to a lot of my clients.

And so Jeremy is a, an excellent resource that I wanted to capitalize on while we have this connection going with this event.  And I wanted to do a loving kindness meditation because it involves a bit of a community feel us and others kind of a sense. And I was workshopping some of this with Jeremy and we decided this would be a cool thing to do as separate from a mindfulness meditation which is a slightly different approach to getting into a more observant state and the loving kindness sounded like a cool way to  bring some of the live events to a close. And so I'll let Jeremy describe what a loving kindness meditation is all about. But what I wanted to say about it was just that this community aspect has really been on my mind a lot recently and how valuable it is to have people around you.

And. Yeah, I know that, there have been multiple messages about I want community, but it's hard to find, I'm looking for like minded men or, where can I go to, to find other women in this experience? And in some ways, there are more resources than ever to connect, the virtual space is a.

A really cool place to connect with experts that you would have never been able to connect with and online communities and groups. It still doesn't necessarily mean it's easy or automatic to find those things.  And so a lot of times what I'm encouraging clients who are. Struggling to find that for themselves is to expand that idea of community and to look toward family and friends as community.

Even if these specific challenges aren't shared directly if it wasn't an appropriate relationship to bring up sexual challenges with, for example,  still fostering community in general church communities or parenting co ops or. Philosophy meetups or, whatever it's going to be having your people around you.

I have one client who was like, in the bowling league. And that was just like, actually pretty meaningful. And so any kind of community that way.  The other thing though, is that it's one thing to be in a group of people. And it's another thing to like. be experiencing that sense of belonging and connection.

And my hope is that the loving kindness meditation can be a way of  fostering that sense of connection and  that sense of belonging with other people, even if you don't know who those other people are, or even if you are feeling a bit insular in your experience. This is a kind of meditation That's helping you feel that general connection with humanity.

And I'm really a fan of that. I have to confess, part of me I am, there are certain connection elements that I have, some it comes easy to me empathy is just one that I feel like I can pretty well tune into other people. understand what they might be experiencing really sensitive to other people's pain and suffering, that kind of thing.

On the other hand I don't actually feel particularly generous with my resources with other people. I'm pretty I'm pretty, uh, I've heard the word stingy a few times with things like, money, time, attention and stuff like that. And and In some ways, for me, this loving kindness meditation is like this abstract way of giving a bit of my time and my energy, so to speak, toward a very general thing, a general type of connection.

And for me, I feel like that's a practice that Is worth cultivating more and more of and I think that a lot of people who are struggling with unwanted behavior or who are struggling with betrayal can often really bring our lives inward and we can pay a lot of attention to us and our story and neglect some of the larger stories or the broader scope of things.

So anyway, all of this to say, I think that this loving kindness meditation that we're about to do is really opening, really expansive, really connecting. And so I hope it ends up being really valuable for everyone. So with that, any thoughts, Jeremy, on this whole loving kindness? Yeah, we're approaching.

Yeah. Yeah. First of all, I love that you brought this in on the kind of the final day. And as you said, it really is a practice of learning how to connect with other people and connect in a particular way. As you said, you can have empathy and you might be able to say, Oh, I can understand that this person is feeling afraid, or I can see that this person is feeling sad, but it's that genuine desire for their wellbeing is what love and kindness is really about, like really wishing, Oh, I really.

wish this person could be well, I really feel genuine compassion and I want to help in some way.  And so  that's what we're cultivating with a love and kindness practice is that feeling of, genuine well wishing for another person or for ourself.  And so that's another component to it that, this love and kindness, we do it for other people, we wish well for other people.

And in that way, we're cultivating that feeling of well wishing for other people, but we also importantly need to do it for ourself. Because particularly in addiction, there can be a lot of self loathing, self judgment, self hatred. And so we're learning how to actually treat ourself with compassion and with kindness, which is a skill that we need to master.

And so to importantly not forget ourself in that equation, that we can do it for other people, but we also importantly need to do it for ourself.  And so that's really the main difference here between the mindfulness practice that we did before and the love and kindness practice that we're going to do today.

That mindfulness is really about cultivating that awareness. Just seeing what's happening as it's happening.  Love and kindness is about cultivating that very particular quality of wishing well for someone, including ourself, for other people, or the world at large.  

Yeah, I love that. In fact, that was a really important distinction.

It helps highlight that the mindfulness is whatever's here. That's what we're paying attention to. And there are some practices like this 1 where we're providing a bit of leadership into generating a particular experience and those are both useful and separate. And that was an important distinction for me to clarify in my own mind.

Yeah, just that idea of Hey, self is included in this humanity thing. And if we leave self out of the equation, we're going to have a hard time actually feeling a sense of belonging, actually feeling, genuine compassion. It's going to get a little sideways when it's like, Hey, everyone out there gets some of the good stuff.

And we neglect to bring ourselves into that. 

Yeah. And particularly in the recovery world, because that, that 

self loathing can be one of the things that keeps us isolated and keeps us stuck in the addiction is that sense of shame and, feeling like we're not good enough. And so learning how to be kind to yourself is so powerful and so important in this practice. 

Yeah, totally cool. 

Maybe just to give people a little sense of what it's going to look like before we dive in. In the loving kindness practice, there are different ways to practice, but the most traditional way to practice loving kindness is essentially you're repeating certain phrases. So you're bringing someone to mind, someone you care about, someone who's in pain and suffering, and then you're in your mind quietly.

So not even saying it out loud, but you're just repeating certain phrases of well wishing. So it might be things like, may you be happy and peaceful, may you be healthy and strong. And you're trying to simply repeat the phrase and connect with the intention of wishing well for that person.  Now, just to know, before we dive into this, if this is your first time at first, it might feel mechanical.

It might feel a little bit robotic to just be repeating these phrases, but just allow yourself to repeat them. And then as best as you can see if you can drop into the genuine wish for the wellbeing of this person. But don't worry if it feels robotic or mechanical at first.  

Yeah, that's a good acknowledgement.

I think that I remember sometimes like for me getting the form is where I start for better or worse. And so it can be hard to juggle that and the actual emotions or the actual sense of things. But that's a valid starting place. But yeah, we are trying to get beyond that when we're able to.

Yeah. And the one last thing to say about it is, sending that love and kindness to ourself is often the hardest part. For especially those of us, in in the West and those of us dealing with addiction being kind to yourself is very challenging, which is why we usually leave it towards the end and we start with someone easy.

We start with someone who it just feels really easy to send that love and kindness towards.  

Cool. Yeah. So there's a progression. Someone easy, someone a little more challenging. Ourselves. Is that the progression? 

Yeah. Exactly.  

Yeah. All right. Anything else before we jump into it?  

I think let's dive in.

All right. I'm excited. 

Cool. 

Take us away.  

All right. So as before, go ahead and find a nice comfortable posture for yourself,  maybe sitting up a little taller in your seats or  finding a comfortable place to sit.  And then you can allow your eyes to close if that feels comfortable.  You can keep your eyes open if you wish, just having a soft gaze towards the ground. 

So either lowering your gaze or closing your eyes. 

And we can start as before with just a few grounding deep breaths. So breathing in fully. 

And exhaling, letting it out. 

Do that one more time. A deep breath in, 

long, 

slow breath out. 

Taking just a moment or two to  relax your body,  release any tension or tightness. 

For this meditation in particular, it's very helpful to find  a posture where you feel relaxed and at ease. 

And maybe for just a few moments, tuning into your breathing, 

feeling your in breath 

and feeling your out breath. 

And now to do this 

love and kindness practice,  I want you to bring to mind someone from your life who You have really positive feelings towards  someone who has maybe helped you out in some way.  

Maybe a coach 

or a mentor,  a teacher,  a relative,  

someone who you have a very simple relationship with,  and just really positive feelings. 

You know that this person cares for you  and wants the best for you. 

And when you think of this person, it just brings warm feelings. 

And then take a moment to just visualize this person in your mind. 

Imagine them sitting in front of you, 

seeing the smile on their face, 

feeling that warmth from who they are. 

And again, knowing that this person just wants you to be happy. 

They just want you to be well and be at peace.  Just feeling that warmth coming from this person. 

And in the same way that this person 

cares for you, 

we can also send that care back to them,  knowing that they go through their own struggles and challenges.  They have uncertainties and doubts,  times of confusion. 

So we can repeat these phrases of love and kindness,  just quietly in your own mind repeating the 

phrases.  

May you be happy and peaceful. 

May you be healthy and strong. 

May you feel safe  and protected. 

May you live with ease and well being. 

We'll go through these 

phrases again and again just as you say each phrase, visualizing the person and really seeing if you can connect with the intention  of wishing this 

for this person. 

May you be happy and peaceful. 

May you be healthy  and strong. 

May you feel safe and protected. 

May you live with ease and well being, 

visualizing, seeing this person.  

If you find it helpful, 

you can imagine a warm light coming from you,  landing onto them  

as you send these phrases of love and kindness. 

Going through one more time, again, just connecting with the phrases  as you see this person. 

May you be happy  and peaceful. 

May you be healthy and strong. 

May you feel safe.  and protected. 

May you live with ease and well being. 

And then letting the image of that person fade 

away  and calling to 

mind another person  who you have an easy and harmonious relationship with.  Someone who you want to be happy.  

You care for them.  You want them to be successful and to be at peace. 

Just bringing that person into your mind,  maybe a friend or relative  someone from work. 

And again, visualize this person sitting in front of you. 

And then repeating the phrases as you connect with just that intention of well wishing. 

May you be happy and peaceful. 

May you be healthy  and strong. 

May you feel safe  and protected. 

May you live with ease and well being. 

Again, if you 

find it helpful, you can imagine a light coming from you and landing onto them.  and seeing them receive this gift of your well wishes,  

a smile on their face, 

whatever image comes to mind for you, 

and letting the image of 

that person fade into the background,  and then calling to mind yourself,  knowing that you are also deserving of this  love and 

kindness,  these well wishes, 

you might find it helpful to imagine yourself as a young person. child,  or just the current version of 

yourself. 

And then repeating the phrases in your mind,  seeing if you can get behind the intention. 

May I be happy and peaceful. 

May I be healthy and strong. 

May I feel safe and protected. 

May I live with ease and well being. 

Going through the phrases one more time for yourself.  Again, 

wishing just for your own happiness, 

your own well being. 

May I be happy  and peaceful. 

May I be healthy and strong. 

May I feel safe  and protected. 

May I live with ease.  and well being. 

And then adding on any other phrases of well wishing that feel appropriate for you. 

May I take care of myself joyfully. 

May I treat myself with kindness. 

May I be my own best friend. 

Any wish that you have for yourself. 

And then letting that 

image of yourself fade away.  And as a final wish, we can send these well wishes  

to all beings everywhere,  to 

everyone in our city,  everyone in our country,  everyone on this earth,  to all sentient beings who have feelings. 

I'm bringing 

everyone to mind.  And sending these wishes out in all directions.  May all 

beings be happy  and peaceful. 

May all beings be healthy and strong. 

May all beings feel safe  and protected. 

May all beings  live with ease and well being. 

Again, envisioning those well wishes.  Spreading out in all directions, 

knowing that everyone deserves happiness and peace 

and bringing your attention back to your body and just noticing how your body feels in this moment, 

bringing some awareness to the area of your chest. 

Noticing if there's any warmth or vibration there, 

and just resting on the feeling of your body  for a moment or two. 

And then to bring this practice 

to a close, we can take a deep breath in, 

and a long breath out. 

Gently opening 

your eyes,  and bringing some movement and stretching if that feels good. 

Taylor, back to you.  

Thanks as always, that felt great. It felt great. The usual kind of relaxation, that stillness just feels really good in my body.  



I'll share some of my observations and then, hopefully each viewer is reflecting on what's showing up for them. Feel free to add comments or anything like that to, to share what your experience with it is.

That classic challenge of like my concentration kept going in and out and I was a little annoyed. I was like, come on, just let's stick with it. But I did try to, apply the mindful Hey, that's where we're at for now. But even with just those intermittent kind of like touching into the images the feelings and stuff like that.

It was just nice it was just, it is surprising to,  when you slow everything down and look at a person, even in your mind's eye, and notice and use those phrases, that, that feeling really does come up pretty quick, just like, yeah, I want you to be happy. 

Yeah.  

Yeah, that'd be, I really want you to be at ease, like that would be amazing.

I actually do care. And it's pretty incredible how  even a an initial pass through can yeah, open some things up. So  that was a little of my experience. I I initially was trying to figure out just the right person. For each of those stages of things and I don't know if I got the right person.

I don't think that's really the point. But what I will say is that I landed on people that kind of surprised me. I'm just like a simple relationship, ideas, and there are a lot of.  Really rich, complicated relationships that I could tell would be different to practice with than some of the simple ones.

And so it was interesting to be like, yeah, who's in that space of yeah, we care about each other.  And thinking of their  beneficence  to me and then wanting to give some of that back. So anyway, just a pretty cool experience overall. 

Yeah, a couple of things I could say about that. It's actually, really important. Actually, a lot of times when people first do this and they think, okay, I need to pick someone who I really care about. They might pick like a spouse or like a close family member. And that can actually be more challenging when you have these more complicated relationships. 

Because 

In the very close relationships, there's often maybe some tension.

There's maybe they, forgot to do the dishes and you're resentful and it's yeah, I care for them, but I wish they would. do this thing or and so picking just a very simple relationship, maybe one that's not super close is helpful for just finding that one that's really easy, and so it can even just be like  someone who bags your groceries at the grocery store who on a weekly basis or a barista at a cafe who you just have a good interaction with.  And sometimes it's those more neutral people that it's actually easier to really feel that difference. Where you actually like, Oh yeah, like that guy from the climbing gym that I talk to you once in a while yeah, I hope he's happy.

Like I wish him to be healthy and strong and to live with ease and to be peaceful. And so as you mentioned, like trying out different people is actually really a good practice to do, to see Oh, okay. When I bring this person to mind, can I drop even more into that feeling?  Because this is actually, it's less about this person.

This is not. This kind of magical thing where we think that if we wish well for this person, like the wish is gonna magically come true. We're doing this to cultivate that feeling in our own heart and mind.  And so really the key to tune into is when I do this for this particular person, do I feel that sense of love and kindness arising within me?

Do I feel the blossoming of that fire within me?  What happens is that then the more that we do this, it will actually affect this person. If we then go see them, we'll actually have a better relationship with them. But it's not this kind of magical thing where if I wish well for this person enough, they're actually, it's going to be transmuted across the airwaves and make them better.

It's not kind of prayer in that sense.  It's really about cultivating the quality of kindness and compassion in our own heart.  

Yeah, absolutely, which I has been,  I think, challenging for me, I'm the one where it's I don't know, whatever emotions are showing up, that's what I'm dealing with, which is all of us to a certain extent, but to become skillful with Hey, I'd like to intentionally cultivate this one at this moment, and that, that kind of like ancient wisdom of finding the love within yourself.

And there's a A way of drawing that forward that we can practice and get more skillful with. And so the imagery in some ways is that, and then in other ways, just, like that genuine next time I bump into them, I'm probably going to be like.  softer and a little more open and, can snowball from there.

Yeah. And, that's the thing is  

hopefully you notice that, when you, and you even said this yourself, like it actually, it just feels good to wish well for someone. Like when you genuinely wish well for another person it's a really pleasant feeling. Like it makes us feel good.  And so this really is a happiness practice.

It's like we can actually cultivate the very quality that leads to our own happiness and well being. The more, and then you meet these people, there are people in the world who just, they just wish well for everyone. They just have good intentions for everyone they meet. And those people are the happiest.



And the people who are the least happy are the ones who are running around saying I don't like you, I don't like you, it's just that grumpy kind of Scrooge behavior. It's a miserable life, right? It's a life of suffering.  But when we're just, our heart is open, we're just, Oh, may you be happy.

May you be happy. It's a way of making ourself happier as well. 

When we get into that cranky space, so often our mind, for me, I think it's for all of us. Our mind is if only they would get the order right, or if they would hurry up, or if they would listen to me or whatever. And so it's all about The source of happiness is now on someone else and in this way, it's like it's about opening Yeah with whatever it is that we're dealing with around us.

And so I know that many of the Parts that are coming through this event are Wounded and, 



Hurting and all of that. And so  opening up might feel really risky in so many areas of your life. And this could be one really safe, really valuable place to practice that opening that softening with, drying out those simple relationships that aren't so complicated and heavy or hurted or hurting.

Yeah. 

And that, that can be, that's still something that we want to cultivate, even if we feel the need to be a bit guarded in particular relationships. 

Yeah, definitely. And that's where doing it for ourself is so powerful. It's can we be kind to ourself and say, Oh, may I heal from this?

May I be healthy and strong? May I be resilient? You can mix up the phrases as well. Like you can try out different phrases that feel more resonant.  Yeah.  

Yeah. When I brought my own, face to mind there was, yeah, this uptake in intensity. It's Oh yeah. Okay. Even me.

Yeah. 

Yeah. And 

that stuff I'm familiar with and the ideas are already there, but it's a practice of okay, going back into this yet again. Yes I think it's so important and really we can really become good friends with ourselves. A lot of self compassion that I work years ago really shifted how I relate to myself. 

And I genuinely feel a friend to myself. I still have some of those tendencies to get hard on myself at different times. But there's a new baseline for me. And so it's practices like this that have really shifted. Me, and I know that it can make a big difference for people if they're going to lean into 

it.

Especially in the addiction space again, that self loathing and self criticism is such a powerful component of addiction. And it's why learning how to be kind to yourself is so important.  

Yeah. Absolutely.  Yeah. Thanks man for guiding us on the loving kindness journey. And this is something that, you can get the timestamp and then replay this over and over for those who've got the recording.

This would be an excellent thing to be practicing on the regular. But if nothing more, hopefully that's opening up some ideas and inviting you to find ways of opening up your heart. 

Yeah, and I guess that's just a small little plug for the access bundle that you have. I have a meditation course in there with 14 different guided meditations, including love and kindness.

And so if you need meditations, go get that bundle that Taylor put together. 

Totally. You can get 

them. 

Yeah, exactly. That would make it so simple and easy to be like, okay, sit down, open it up. Here's the practice. Let's go. Let's go. 

Yeah, 

definitely recommend.  All right, man. Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

We'll go ahead and close out here. Again, viewers wish you all well, and hope that all of this is bridging into, real lived, changed experiences for you.  With that, we'll let you go. Take care, everyone.