107. The ONE Thing Keeping You Stuck in Addiction: Why Identity Is at The Heart of Recovery

In this episode, we delve into the pivotal role of identity in achieving deep and lasting recovery from addiction. By examining recent coaching experiences, we highlight how self-beliefs can either aid in healing or perpetuate harmful habits. The discussion focuses on the importance of shifting from an 'addict' mindset to seeing oneself as someone 'in healing.' Listeners will learn practical strategies for altering self-perception, including the power of 'I am' statements, the role of environment, and the impact of small, consistent actions. The episode emphasizes compassion, recognizing setbacks as part of the journey, and encourages envisioning and acting in alignment with your desired identity. 

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Shownotes 

00:00 Introduction: The Core of Recovery

01:17 The Power of Identity in Recovery

01:46 Breaking Free from Addictive Identities

02:27 The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Beliefs

04:28 Shifting to a Healing Identity

05:53 Identifying Limiting Beliefs

07:20 Awareness and Environment

08:04 Identifying Toxic Influences

09:17 Small Steps Towards Change

09:57 Awareness and Environment

11:35 Power of 'I Am' Statements

12:21 Acknowledging the Journey

13:32 Envisioning Your New Identity

15:05 Final Thoughts and Next Steps



ABOUT JEREMY LIPKOWITZ

Jeremy overcame addiction, shame, self-judgement, and depression in his early twenties with the help of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness not only helped him let go of destructive behaviors, it also allowed him to connect with deeper meaning and purpose in his life.

For the past 10 years Jeremy has been teaching mindfulness and emotional intelligence practices at universities, recovery centers, and companies throughout Asia and the US. He holds a Bachelors and Master’s degree in Genetics and Genomics, and spent several years at Duke University working towards a PhD in Genetics & Systems Biology before he turned full-time to teaching mindfulness.

Jeremy is also an ICF certified Executive Coach. As a former scientist and academic, Jeremy has a great passion for bringing his EI based coaching skills into the corporate and professional world. He realizes how powerful & transformative these practices can be for skeptics and senior-level managers. He is known for his calm and grounded demeanor, his expertise in habits and high-performance, and his compassionate approach to transformation.

Transcript

 You're listening to unhooked. On today's episode, the one thing keeping you stuck in addiction. Y your identity is at the heart of recovery.  So stay tuned. 

 So hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the unhooked podcast. I'm your host, Jeremy liquids. This time, the London edition of the show. I'm here in London for a week or so on some business and some work and so I'm recording this from a beautiful studio in the heart of Hampstead, Heath. It's my first time to London and. Been really enjoying, checking out the sites and visiting all the things in London that I've always heard about.  Today, what I wanted to talk about is something that I've felt inspired to talk about from some recent coaching calls that I've had with some of my clients.  And this is about. The topic of identity and really how identity lies at the core of recovery. You know, if you really want deep recovery, if you want your life to fundamentally change. It really does come down to identity change. So, if you've ever found yourself saying things like, I just don't think I can change or being addicted is just who I am or there's something wrong with me. This is the episode for you. So today we're going to be talking about the hidden key to lasting recovery. Which is shifting your identity.  Now let's get real here for a moment. 

If you are stuck in addictive habits or behaviors, whether it's to porn or alcohol or drugs or food, or any other kind of harmful behavior. Then one thing is for certain, and that is that you will never break free. As long as you cling to that identity of the addict. Because we always reset to our baseline identity. You might be able to change your behavior temporarily through, you know, willpower and motivation and pumping yourself up. Trying really hard. But if you don't shift the underlying beliefs you have about yourself, those changes won't last. And then you might be able to white knuckle it for a few weeks. Maybe even a few months of sobriety, but eventually your brain will put you back into what feels familiar. 

You know, what feels like your true nature. You will find ways to subconsciously without even realizing it. Sabotage your progress and bring you back to the habits and behaviors you were trying to avoid. 

For better or for worse, your identity is shaped by the beliefs you have about yourself. And your beliefs shape your actions. if you believe deep down that you're broken if you believe that you were, you know, somehow flawed, and this is just a part of your identity. You will act in ways that reinforce that belief.  Is he this often with my coaching work with my clients. When they haven't been able to shed the identity level, you know, anyone can hit a 30 day streak just using willpower, but for lasting recovery. If you never get to that identity level, if you never start to shift your beliefs about yourself, Then that recovery is going to be short-lived. So, let me give an example. 

Imagine this scenario. Imagine you have a belief that you are fundamentally flawed.  That there's something wrong with you, maybe because of your upbringing or your childhood, or just the, the evidence that you see about yourself tells you that there's something wrong with you. And maybe the story is that you can't control yourself around porn. 

Maybe you're telling yourself the story that.  You just can't recover. You can't break free from this habit.  If that's your belief about yourself then when porn shows up or when the opportunity to access porn shows up. You might tell yourself again, subconsciously. What's the point of even trying to resist, you know, this is just who I am. 

I'm not going to be successful in this anyway. So why even try.  The results of that would be then that you act out and then it reinforces that initial belief. So it strengthens that belief you have in yourself. That you're broken, that you can't control yourself, that you have no discipline.  And then the cycle continues.  So in that way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You know, the belief leads to action. Which leads to those results, which then reinforces the belief you have about yourself.  Now the good news here is that this cycle works both ways. So let's flip it around. 

Let's say you start believing that you are someone who is healing. You know, you start to identify instead of being identified with an as an addict or someone who's. Addicted or broken. If you start to identify as someone who is healing. Someone who is capable of change. That belief leads to more positive actions. So you might start making small choices in line with that new identity. 

So for example, Porn shows up.  Or the opportunity to access porn shows up, let's say you're in a hotel room by yourself and you know, you have that opportunity.  

You might tell yourself I used to be addicted. But I am a person who is healing. I am no longer controlled by this habit. It's a belief you have about yourself. 

You know, if you're putting in the work, if you're showing up at meetings, if you're reading books about this, you can kind of tell yourself I am no longer controlled by this habit. I am a person who is healing.  And then instead of acting out, you might choose a more skillful path forward. You might close the laptop. 

You might go out for a walk. You might call a friend or, you know, go play a sport or go to the gym.  The result of that is that you then begin to see evidence that change is possible. Which then reinforces the new empowering belief about yourself, the new belief about your identity.  So the question for you right now is what are your current beliefs about yourself? And in particular, what are your current limiting beliefs?  You know, we all have limiting beliefs about ourself. Many of us are just unaware of them because they've been so prevalent throughout our lives. 

You know, it's like that old saying. If you ask a fish, how's the water. And the fish says what water, you know, if we're swimming in that water a whole life, we don't even know it's there. So for many of us before we start doing this work of healing and recovery. We're simply not even aware that those are the voices in our head.  They just feel like reality.  But here are some common limiting beliefs that you might recognize you might resonate with. 

So one might be the belief. I have no self control or I have no discipline. You might have the limiting belief of I'm lazy. I'm broken.  Another common one is if people knew the truth about me, they would leave me. Or similar one is I'm unlovable as I am. 

You know, there are so many self limiting beliefs that we might have so many stories about ourself. . I'm an addict. You know, I can't change. Everything I do fails, Whatever it is like you might know your own script, your own story. That you're used to.  So the question is how do we begin to shift these beliefs and break these cycles?  It starts with awareness. 

You know, you need to become aware of the stories you're telling yourself about yourself. What are the subconscious narratives? What are they saying? You know, are they saying things like I'm not good enough? Are they saying I've tried and failed before? Or this is just who I am. Becoming aware of these stories is the first step, like identifying the subconscious subliminal messages that we're receiving.  But it doesn't end with awareness. 

Awareness is the first step.  After that you also have to take a good hard look at the environment that you're in.  You know, the environment that might be supporting those identity beliefs. Like, who are you surrounding yourself with? Are you still hanging out with friends who engage in toxic behaviors?  Are you living in an environment that keeps pulling you back into the same patterns or that. You know, supports that narrative that you have about yourself.  So sometimes it's not just about the internal beliefs, but also the external world that reinforces those beliefs. And this might mean taking some tough choices, you know, like breaking up with. With certain acquaintances or toxic friends.  It might mean moving out of a home environment that keeps you stuck, or it can be even something as simple as changing your wardrobe, you know, the way you dress and the way you present yourself. That might sound superficial, but sometimes, you know, a little shift in your external appearance or a subtle shift. In your environment can give your brain cues that you're becoming someone new.  And one of my favorite quotes comes from James clear. This is the author of atomic habits. He says, every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.  No single instance will transform your beliefs. But as the votes build up. 

So does the evidence of your new identity.  So think about that for a second.  

Every time you take a small step in the right direction, whether it's getting out of bed a little bit earlier, going to the gym meditating for five minutes. Resisting the urge to act out every step in the right direction. You're casting a vote for your new identity.  So you don't need a radical transformation overnight. 

You don't need to wake up and suddenly be a completely different person. But these small, consistent actions over time will build up the evidence that you are no longer the person who is stuck in the addiction.  Instead you become someone who is free or someone who is healing.  So getting very specific. 

Now, how do you start shifting the identity? Again, the first step is the awareness step.  So starting by noticing the stories you're telling yourself, you can write them down in a journal. You can talk about them with a coach or a therapist, but becoming aware of the ways that your beliefs are limiting you.  And sometimes it's helpful to call this out. You know, calls, is this voice out as the saboteur or the judger? 

The critic? And in this step, it's important to stay compassionate. You know, when you start to recognize or become aware of these. Knowing that you might've been dealt a really crappy hand in life. You know, these stories might come from very real places of hurt. Uh, of self-sabotage or of abuse from others. 

So really staying compassionate and kind as you go through that process of awareness.  The second step is to evaluate the environment that you are putting yourself in and choosing to stay in. You know, who are you surrounding yourself with? Are they keeping you in your old story? Are you living in a place that's reinforcing that old identity? This could even be the hobbies that you engage in. Well, you know, are you playing video games? 

Are you eating junk food or you. You know, what is it like? What are these external factors that support that identity level?  The third step is then to start to take small steps. So remember every action you take, every action, even mental actions.  Our votes for the type of person you want to become.  So starting small, but being consistent, you know, these small changes add up over time. And here you can use the power of, I am statements. 

So for example, shifting from, well, I am an addict to, I am someone who is healing. Can be incredibly powerful.  Another one that I like is shifting from the statement. I'm trying to quit watching porn. Two. I am someone who doesn't watch porn. Studies have shown that these phrases actually help people in.  Breaking free from bad habits. 

They did these studies with people who were trying to.  Lose weight to stop eating so much sugar. And they notice the effect that when people say I don't eat sugar compared to, I'm trying to stop eating sugar. Had profound impacts on their ability to shift their habits and behaviors.  The fourth step here is to simply acknowledge that these shifts don't happen overnight.  You know, this identity shift that you have to go through. It's not an overnight process. It's not like you wake up one day and you've had this radical transformation.  It takes time. You know, and these votes take time, but slowly they do build up and you start to have more confidence in this new person that you're becoming.  So knowing that setbacks are part of the journey, there will be moments when you fall back into your old habits and behaviors. So to see if you can not let it derail your progress. What I like to tell my clients is to focus on progress, not perfection. You know, just focus on making small steps up the mountain.  So the question I have for you right now is what's the story you're telling yourself. About who you are right now.  You know, what's the voice in your head saying, as you listen to this.  Chances are your identity beliefs in the stories have been there in the background this entire time. 

You've been listening to this podcast.  And more importantly, how are you going to rewrite your beliefs? Like what is the identity that you want to step into?  This is one of the things that I cover in my course, in the unhooked academy. Is that first step of envisioning, like who do you actually want to become? What is the identity that you want to step into? 

Is it someone who is disciplined? Is it someone who is compassionate, someone who is of service? You know, it's so helpful to actually have a north star, to have an idea of who you want to be so that you can start moving in that direction.  If you know who you want to vote for, then you can make those small votes with your actions on a daily basis.  So just remembering that if you want real recovery, you know, deep lasting recovery, you have to, at some point address this identity level. Yes, the tips and tricks for hitting a 30 day streak and, and, you know, breaking free from your phone. 

These are important and helpful.  And you also have to start to shift your identity because if you keep telling yourself. That you're addicted. If you keep staying stuck in that identity of being an addict.  Then even if you get a long street going, it's going to be a struggle the whole time. It's going to be a constant fight.  Whereas, if you can shift to the identity, you know, the new identity of I'm no longer someone who watches porn.  Then it's just so much easier to live in alignment with those. That identity level, you know, just being a person who doesn't act out who doesn't watch porn, who doesn't cheat on their partners, like. That is the level of shifting identity that we need to get to. So, if you're ready to start shifting your identity and want to break free from the patterns that keep you stuck. Again, I highly recommend checking out the unhooked academy community. This has rolling admissions right now. 

So you can. Hop on a discovery call with me to see if the program is right for you. Just check out the link in my show notes and sign up for a free discovery call today. So that's it for today, folks. I hope you're all doing well and we'll catch you on the next episode.