Unhooked: Breaking Porn Addiction Podcast

127. Do These 5 Things BEFORE You Start Your Porn Reboot / Porn Detox If You Want Long-Lasting Results (rebroadcast)

• Jeremy Lipkowitz

Share episode

Before you begin your porn reboot or detox, preparation is key. 

In this special rebroadcast episode from 2022, Jeremy shares five essential steps to set yourself up for success. These strategies apply not only to quitting porn but also to overcoming other compulsive habits like social media, food addiction, and more. Learn how to clarify your "why," remove triggers, and build accountability for lasting change.

🔹 Want personalized support? Book a free discovery call with Jeremy: JeremyLipkowitz.com/intro

Timestamps:

(00:00) – Introduction: Why preparation is crucial before quitting porn
(02:45) – Tip #1: Connect with your "why" – understanding the consequences of your habit
(08:30) – The power of the "default future" exercise: Where will you be in 10 or 20 years?
(12:15) – Tip #2: Envision the life you want to create – focus on approach-oriented goals
(18:10) – How emotions drive our habits & how to shift toward fulfillment
(21:45) – Tip #3: Accept that relapse will happen – progress over perfection
(27:30) – The importance of how you respond to relapse & overcoming shame
(32:20) – Tip #4: Remove triggers and barriers – why willpower isn’t enough
(38:40) – Dr. Anna Lembke’s research on stimulus control & dopamine management
(42:15) – Practical ways to make relapse harder (blocking strategies)
(46:00) – Tip #5: Get accountability & support – the key to lasting change
(52:30) – Why coaching and structured guidance can make all the difference
(56:00) – Final recap: The five essential steps before your reboot
(58:15) – How to get support & closing thoughts

Resources Mentioned:

Connect with Jeremy:

🚀 If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and share it with someone who needs to hear this!

 Today on the Unhooked Podcast, getting ready to quit. My top five tips before you start your porn reboot. So, stay tuned.



 So welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of the Unhooked Podcast. 



for many of you out there listening, this might be a wonderful time to  think about doing some sort of reboot or detox. And so I wanted to use this opportunity to talk about some of my tips that you might want to implement before you start a porn reboot or detox, before you decide to quit.

What are some of the things that I would recommend doing before you start that detox? So let's say you want to do a 30 day detox or a 30 day reboot. What are some of the things you should do? Before to get yourself ready for that process knowing that it's not an easy process You know, there are challenges to it.

So how can you set yourself up for success? 







So there are five key tips that I want to talk about today and As with so many things on this podcast, it is not just about porn. You know, this really applies to all of the different aspects of habits, healthy living, lifestyle choices that you might be encountering in your life.

So, for example, with food, or your social media usage, or anything you might have a compulsive relationship with, some bad habits, these five things will actually be helpful for all of that. So whether or not you're looking at changing your relationship to porn, or dating apps, or to work, or to some other substance that you might feel addicted to, these five tips are going to be helpful for that. 



So let's dive in straight away with tip number one, which is to connect with why you want to quit. And here I'm talking about, you know, what are the consequences of the behavior that you're indulging in or engaging in. You know, what are the ways that porn is holding you back in life? Or what are some of the consequences that you've noticed in your life?

So, for example, for me, I was noticing growing every month and every year this growing sense of perfectionism with my partners. You know, I was just expecting them to have these perfect porn star like bodies. And I could tell that that was holding me back in so many ways. Um, you know, my focus, my attention, all of the ways that I was noticing porn was impacting my life. 

So  Another way of looking at this first tip is where will this pathway lead you if you don't make a change? So if you continue on the road that you're on, you know, what are the, what's the end of this road? Where is it going to take you? This is something that I sometimes do with clients, I call it the default future.

Which is, if you don't make a change, where will you be in 10 years or 20 years? And again, in my life, I could see that I was headed down this road of, of loneliness, isolation, you know, just wanting to sleep with everyone I saw, but not having any depth of connection with people.  So the third kind of thing about this little tip that I'll talk about is to reflect on what are the ways that your actions are not in integrity with your values.

So, you know, maybe one of your values is respect,  but the porn that you're watching is disrespectful, or maybe degrading towards women. So really reflecting on, are you in alignment with your values? Are you living from a place of integrity?  Or is your habit, your consumption, causing you to be out of integrity?

This is something that so many of the people I work with talk about, is that feeling of being out of integrity when they watch porn. and wanting to live from a place of integrity.  So this is the first thing to do before you start, is to connect with why do you want to quit, and particularly focusing  on some of these negative aspects, like what is it, what are the consequences, how is it holding you back, where will this lead you if you don't make a change. 





Tip number two flips this on its head, and it's to connect with the positive aspect of the life that you want to be living. What are the things that you want to cultivate in your life? And I've talked about this in a previous episode where we look at how it's important to shift to these approach oriented goals rather than the avoidance oriented goals.

So instead of what do you want to get rid of and, you know, what do you want to run away from, what do you want to get out of your life, what is it that you want to bring in, what do you want to cultivate? What do you wish to see? What is that dream vision of your life?  So for this I recommend taking some time to do the envisioning practices where you look at What is your dream life look like?

Five years from now, ten years from now, twenty years from now. And to get very detailed on this, how are you spending your time? How are you spending your energy? Who  is in your life? You know, what are the,  what are the kinds of people that you're surrounding yourself with?  And, you know, what is your romantic relationship like?

What do you do with your partner on a regular basis? And how is that interaction?  And importantly in this envisioning practice, to reflect on the question of how do you want to be feeling in the future?  Again, so much of the porn consumption problem.  The consequences are on this emotional level where it affects how we're feeling.

You know, we feel like we don't have enough, we feel ashamed, we feel insecure, we feel lust and craving.  And instead, how do you want to feel? Most people when they do this, You know, a lot of the same types of things come up over and over again. Wanting to feel content. Wanting to feel a sense of inner peace.

Wanting to feel confident in yourself and in your body. There's so many beautiful qualities of mind and states of being. So just to  be able to identify what's important to you. You know, at the end of your life, what's most important? Do you want to spend your life just watching more porn or having more sex?

Or do you want to be living a life of integrity,  purpose, and inner peace?  So that's the second tip, is to connect with the positive aspect of the life you want to cultivate.  





The third tip to do before you start your reboot or before you start any major habit change is to know that relapse will happen,  that you will not be perfect at all times.

And so one of the quotes I love is to focus on progress over perfection. Just focusing on making progress. It doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to get 30 out of 30 days. If you relapse, know that that will happen from time to time.  And remembering that we are rewiring our minds here.

So this is every moment of an intentional action or a decision helps to cultivate those new neural pathways.  And so the total days that you spend free from porn is more important than the streak. that you have.  So let's say you want to do a 30 day reboot. Yes, it would be beautiful if you could do 30 days, but 28 days out of 30 is much better than not doing it at all. 

So just know that, you know, that relapse will happen. It doesn't mean you're broken. It just means that you're trying to work on a habit that is very deeply ingrained  and You don't have to be perfect, you just have to make progress.  



Another thing to keep in mind here is that your relationship to your relapses is actually more important than whether or not you relapse.

I'm going to say that again. 

Your relationship to your relapses is more important than whether or not you relapse.  How you feel about the fact that you've relapsed is so important because for most people who are struggling with addiction or  that compulsive use of porn, every time there's a relapse, it brings on so much shame and self judgment and criticism and all this baggage that we carry on with it. 

But instead, can you get to the place where if you do relapse, it's just, Oh, that wasn't skillful, and I'm not happy I did it, but it doesn't mean I'm a bad person, and I can just pick up and get started again.  That is where we want to get to, where when a relapse happens, when we don't act in integrity, we don't beat ourself up, and instead we say, Oh, okay, wasn't acting from a place of skill or integrity, let me start again. 

So just know, relapse happens, You will not be perfect,  be kind and gentle to yourself when you do relapse, and just focus on progress over perfection.  





Alright, tip number four, when you are getting ready to start your reboot, again, this is stuff that you should do before and also during, but the more you can do this before, it sets yourself up for success, which is to remove triggers that you know are going to make it harder for you.

So this is being smart, understanding that willpower is not enough.  We can't just rely on willpower to get us through, we have to be smart about setting up the proper conditions in our life that will support our recovery.  This is something sometimes called behavioral architecture  or stimulus control.  So rather than focusing on self control and just using willpower, we focus on stimulus control.

What are the triggers that make us want to act out, and can we remove or avoid some of those triggers? Just so that we have some more breathing room in the beginning.  Again, in the long run, our goal is to get to the place where even in the face of a trigger, we have enough of that inner discipline and we have enough of the willpower and we've healed enough of the trauma where we don't need to escape into that addiction.

But in the beginning, it's so important to be smart and give yourself support. So removing triggers.  This is something that, uh, I also read about in a book from Dr. Anna Lem, uh, Lemke. She's a Stanford School of Medicine researcher and her lab focuses on dopamine. And she says this, It's about intentionally and willingly creating barriers between ourselves and our drug of choice in order to mitigate compulsive overconsumption. 

So just putting up those barriers between yourself and the drug or behavior of choice,  and that way it makes it harder to relapse, to overindulge, you know, to consume that drug of choice.  So some ideas here for you, you know, if you are doing a porn reboot, oftentimes triggers are around visuals. So maybe social media, there are certain accounts that you follow. 

So maybe taking a break from social media or unfollowing certain accounts. Another one is maybe you go to the gym at certain times a day because you use that time to check out women. So maybe stop going to the gym in those peak hours or maybe find a gym that's less busy.  Another one that I really love is removing your Laptop and your phone from your room.

This is something I tell all my clients to do and I think it's so important Keep your laptop and your phone in the living room If you have one you could also leave it in the car you can leave it at work, but somewhere where it is not in your bedroom and Definitely not by your bed. That is one of the easiest ways to just get sucked back in to the habitual use of Digital, media, and porn. 

So, also if you have any paraphernalia that you use to masturbate, just get rid of it. You know, if you use any towels or socks or whatever you use, throw them out, get rid of them.  This all boils down to, make it harder to use your drug of choice. These are called blocking strategies. We can't rely on willpower alone, we can't just grit our teeth, because willpower is a limited resource, and we have to be smart about our recovery, particularly in those first 30 days or 60 days. 

So, this is not cheating, it's just being smart about your recovery.  





The fifth and final tip before you start your reboot and before, again, you start any major habit change is to get accountability and support.  So one of the most powerful and effective things you can do for changing a habit is to get that support and that real, tough, honest accountability. 

Again, knowing that relapse and self sabotage will eventually happen. It's important to have someone or something external to you that can help you get back on track with your recovery and your goals. You know, when you don't have that motivation yourself.  So, this is another example of being smart about your recovery. 

Is it possible to do it all on your own? Yes, it's possible. But it is so much easier and more effective when you get accountability and support.  And that also has the added benefit of, if you are getting support and accountability for something like this,  by necessity you have to open up and be vulnerable about your struggles. 

And that already is a huge part of recovery is letting go of shame, being vulnerable, being honest with yourself and other people.  So for example, one way to get that accountability and support is getting a coach, someone who is there to check in with you each week or every other week, just to ask about how are you doing with the goals that you made for yourself. 

This is something that It's very hard to get that kind of accountability and support from friends because friends can't hold you accountable in the same way. Because the friendship is at stake. It's not worth it for a friend to risk ruining the relationship in order to call you out on your bullshit. 

You know, a friend can be helpful a little bit, but  to get that full accountability, you know, it's better to have someone external, someone like a coach, something like a support group, a men's group is also a great idea.  Just getting that,  you know, it's like hiring somebody. To call you out on your bullshit, knowing that you are going to make up bullshit excuses.

Knowing that you're gonna lose your motivation. You are going to go back to your old ways, you know. And so why not give yourself this support as you build your life of recovery?  So those are my five tips before you start any major habit change. Again, the first one connecting with why you want to quit. 

What are the ways it's holding you back? Then the second one, flipping that on its head, what's the positive aspect of the life you want to cultivate? What do you want to move toward and what's important to you in life?  The third one,  understanding, you know, really getting this on a deep level that relapse will happen.

So when you know that from the beginning, then when it does happen, it doesn't derail you as much. You're like, oh, okay this is part of The process. So focusing on progress over perfection.  The fourth one, removing triggers that you know are going to make it harder. So focusing on that stimulus control,  behavioral architecture, doing the things that will help you  step into that recovery and have the successful first 30 days.

And then finally, getting accountability and support. Um, the support can also look like having a game plan, having a roadmap, someone that walks you through something step by step.  This is something I also offer in my Unhooked online course. You can go through it, and it walks you through step by step how to break free from porn.

So that is another aspect of support, is having some sort of roadmap or framework to your recovery.  





So, those are the five tips. to focus on before you start your reboot. Before you jump in, it's a way to lay the foundation. 

 If you're interested in getting my support and accountability, feel free to send me a message on  my website.

You can also just sign up for a free discovery call.  JeremyLibkowitz. com slash intro. I'll leave it in the show notes.  



That is it for today. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well and you are thriving in life. And if you are not, just know that you're not alone. And we're all in this together and here to support each other.

So. That's it for today. Signing off. See you guys on the next episode.